From Tai Shan, With Love

I was at the drugstore, looking for just the right Arbor Day greeting card, when I noticed another shopper intently pawing through the "For That Special Someone" section.

He was wearing dark glasses and a baseball cap, but his distinctive black and white fur, and the faint but unmistakable odor of bamboo, gave him away. It was Tai Shan , the National Zoo's giant panda.

I hadn't see him since the two of us were in line together outside the Botanic Garden, waiting to see the stinky titan arum plant. I doubted he would remember me. And anyway, celebrities need their privacy, so I left him alone and went on with my browsing.

But before long, Tai Shan came up to me. "Hey, fella," he said. "I need your advice. Do you know much about females?"

Well, that was a surprise.

"I confess I was a bit of a ladies' man in my day," I said with a chortle. "And I live in a house full of females -- well, three females and one sterilized dog -- so I think, yes, I have some insights into the 'fairer sex.' How can I help you?"

He handed me two greeting cards. "Which of these cards do you think is better?" he asked.

One card featured a Shar-Pei puppy wearing oversize sunglasses and sitting in a flower pot. The words inside read: "And they call it puppy love." The other card was of a sweaty, shirtless, well-muscled cowboy dousing himself with a garden hose. Inside it read: "I think you're hot stuff!"

I couldn't imagine anyone liking either of the cards, but the ways of the heart are mysterious indeed, and I didn't want to torpedo what was surely the young panda's first crush.

"Hmmm. Either of these might be fine," I said slowly. "But I'd have a better idea if you told me a little about the recipient. What's she like?"

"Oh," Tai Shan began, visibly swooning. "She's . . . she's wonderful . She's smart. She's firm but fair. She doesn't suffer fools lightly."

"She sounds lovely," I said. "What's her name?"