From Tai Shan, With Love

By John Kelly
Monday, March 20, 2006

I was at the drugstore, looking for just the right Arbor Day greeting card, when I noticed another shopper intently pawing through the "For That Special Someone" section.

He was wearing dark glasses and a baseball cap, but his distinctive black and white fur, and the faint but unmistakable odor of bamboo, gave him away. It was Tai Shan , the National Zoo's giant panda.

I hadn't see him since the two of us were in line together outside the Botanic Garden, waiting to see the stinky titan arum plant. I doubted he would remember me. And anyway, celebrities need their privacy, so I left him alone and went on with my browsing.

But before long, Tai Shan came up to me. "Hey, fella," he said. "I need your advice. Do you know much about females?"

Well, that was a surprise.

"I confess I was a bit of a ladies' man in my day," I said with a chortle. "And I live in a house full of females -- well, three females and one sterilized dog -- so I think, yes, I have some insights into the 'fairer sex.' How can I help you?"

He handed me two greeting cards. "Which of these cards do you think is better?" he asked.

One card featured a Shar-Pei puppy wearing oversize sunglasses and sitting in a flower pot. The words inside read: "And they call it puppy love." The other card was of a sweaty, shirtless, well-muscled cowboy dousing himself with a garden hose. Inside it read: "I think you're hot stuff!"

I couldn't imagine anyone liking either of the cards, but the ways of the heart are mysterious indeed, and I didn't want to torpedo what was surely the young panda's first crush.

"Hmmm. Either of these might be fine," I said slowly. "But I'd have a better idea if you told me a little about the recipient. What's she like?"

"Oh," Tai Shan began, visibly swooning. "She's . . . she's wonderful . She's smart. She's firm but fair. She doesn't suffer fools lightly."

"She sounds lovely," I said. "What's her name?"

Tai Shan removed his cap and took a folded piece of well-worn newsprint from inside. He smoothed it out and pointed his distinctive thumb at the name of his true love.

"Judge Leonie M. Brinkema !?" I shouted. "You're in love with the judge in the most famous court case in Washington? Are you crazy?! How did you two ever meet?"

Tai Shan looked down at his feet. "I haven't actually met her. I've only read about her. Some of the zookeepers leave their old newspapers in the panda exhibit, and every day it seems there's another story about Judge Leonie M. Brinkema. She's some kind of wonderful, I tell you. Judge Leonie M. Brinkema is my reason for laughing, for crying, for living and for dying."

I began to suspect that the keepers kept a radio tuned to the oldies station.

"Look, Tai Shan, I don't mean to rain on your parade, but this will never work. For starters, Judge Leonie M. Brinkema is a human ."

"You mean, she's not a panda?" asked Tai Shan, astonished.

"Have you ever actually seen her?" I demanded.

"Well, no. Only drawings." He pointed at the courtroom sketch printed in the paper. "She looks like a panda: black and white, kind of rounded."

I sighed. "Those are her black judge's robes. The white is the little frilly neckerchief thing that female lawyers of a certain vintage strap on. Trust me, she's 100 percent human."

Tai Shan shook his head. "I'm sure if I was able to smell her," he said, miserably.

"What's more," I said, "I think she's married."

Tai Shan fixed me with a steely gaze. "To tell you the truth, that's not so much of a deal-breaker for me. What's more, I think you're being speciesist. Just because she's a human and I'm a giant panda, why should that matter? Shouldn't I follow my heart, no matter where it takes me?"

I had never seen someone so deep in the throes of lovesickness. But it was no use. Tai Shan was just setting himself up for a fall. I had to let him down easy. "It's like this, Tai Shan," I started, but the little fellow was looking over my shoulder distractedly.

I turned to see what he was staring at. It was a selection of greeting cards labeled "Professions of Love for Judge Leonie M. Brinkema." They were sorted by species: anteaters, Burmese pythons, coati-mundi, humans, naked mole rats, rock hyraxes, stoats, golden lion tamarins . . .

Tai Shan grabbed a card in the "Pandas, Giant" section, scanned it quickly, then thrust it into my hands. "What about this one?" he said.

On the front was a giant panda surrounded by hearts. Inside were these words:

Judge Leonie M. Brinkema,

Please tell me what you thinkema.

I don't want to raise a stinkema,

Just tell me how you feel.

I may only be a panda

But you have to understanda

That I want to hold your handa

And feed you bamboo, peeled.

P.S: Do you like me?

- yes - no (check one)

"It's perfect," I said. "Hallmark's done it again."

Blog Monster

I'll be blogging in place of the vacationing Marc Fisher this week. To check out my ramblings, go to http://blog.washingtonpost.com/rawfisher .