An Ice Day for a News Conference

President Bush is covering all his bases. He is traveling around the United States defending his policies.

The White House is scripting his appearances, and, of course, they depend on press coverage.

Bush's handlers pointed out to the president that he had not said anything about global warming, and it was becoming a sore point with the public.

One adviser says, "Let's set up a news conference and advertise the fact that the president will talk about global warming."

The president agrees that it is a good idea and asks, "Where should we hold the conference?"

Another adviser answers, "What do you think about holding a fundraiser on the Arctic Ocean?"

Someone else says, "What about on the Titanic?"

"And we'll have a big banner saying, 'Mission Accomplished.' "

"I like it," the president says. "What do I say about my stand on global warming?"

"You can say that the press only writes about the bad things, like the Earth getting warmer and polar ice caps melting. You will announce that your environmental adviser, who formerly worked for the Petroleum Institute, said that scientists don't know what they're talking about."

Bush says, "I have never trusted scientists. They just stick with the numbers, and all they want to do is hurt us politically."

"Then, Mr. President, you will assure the country that the Titanic will never hit an iceberg as long as you're president. And even if you do, you will stay the course."