An Ice Day for a News Conference

The president nods. "Can I talk about greenhouse gases that are melting the ice at both poles?"

"We think it's a good idea to say that, although the emissions may be responsible for the melting, American corporations are dependent on carbon dioxide to keep their factories going. You should also say warm weather will cut down on the use of heating oil."

The president says, "This would be a good place to attack the environmentalists."

An adviser says, "If any of the scientists try to make us look silly on global warming, we'll censor their reports and forbid them to attack our position."

The president asks, "Can I promise we can bring the boys home by Christmas?"

"Good idea."

An aide says, "Mr. President, your second term is only the tip of the iceberg, and you will do whatever is necessary, even though it hurts you in the polls."

Another adviser adds, "The temperature changes can't but help your popularity. You'll go down in history as the American president that warmed the world."

An environmental adviser says, "We will announce that we believe in a preemptive strike against floods, droughts, heat waves and hurricanes -- because you think it's the right thing to do."

An adviser says, "The country will remember that you were the captain of the Titanic, and if it weren't for you, the ship would have struck an iceberg."

"Sir, this global warming news conference on the Titanic will be remembered in a league with the Gettysburg Address."

"Mr. President, this will be a great photo op."

The president asks, "Who will we put on the deck of the Titanic to cheer me on?"

"Conservatives, anti-environmentalists, polar bears, seals and penguins."

2006Tribune Media Services