By Art Buchwald
Thursday, April 6, 2006
The longer I stay in hospice, the more mail I get. Here are some of the questions people ask:
Q. Why are you in a hospice?
A. To die with dignity, when I'm supposed to die. When I came here, I was supposed to say goodbye to the world in two or three weeks. But I'm still here after nine weeks.
Q. What went wrong?
A. Nobody knows -- not even the doctors. It's fun to see a doctor who doesn't know what's wrong with you.
Q. I've seen you on television and you seem to be very happy. Aren't you supposed to be sad?
A. I'm happy because I'm still here. I have been able to say goodbye to all my friends and to strangers. And everyone knows where I am. Two weeks into my stay here, Diane Rehm interviewed me about death. She made me into a celebrity -- the only person who got famous for dying. When I announced I wasn't going to take dialysis, people decided I was a hero. You accept every compliment you can get when you're in a hospice.
After Rehm, television producers and editors thought there was a story there: "Man refuses to take dialysis." George Stephanopoulos had me on his Sunday show.
And then, hallelujah, Sharon Waxman wrote a long piece about me in the Sunday New York Times. As you know, you never existed unless you get into the New York Times. Usually you have to settle for an obituary, but this was a feature.
After that, the Jim Lehrer "NewsHour" interviewed me. I was on CNN and the front page of USA Today, and then Tom Brokaw asked me to be on "The Today Show." I have to be honest; I've enjoyed every moment of it.
Q. What do you do in the hospice?
A. I spend my time on the telephone and socializing with my friends who come here every day at every hour. My mantra is "I've put death on hold." They not only visit me, and are very kind, but they also bring me food -- cheesecakes, shrimp, candy, cookies and takeout from restaurants. I accept it all, even though I think there's a lot of guilt involved with people who are worrying that I'm not going to get enough to eat.
The more I was interviewed, the more friends showed up. And people in town would greet each other by saying, "Have you been to the hospice yet?"
A visit to the hospice is now a pilgrimage. I think they come here because it's a shrine and I can cure them of their illnesses, like Lourdes.
Q. Do you have plans yet for your memorial service?
A. Yes, I've chosen my speakers. I showed the list to a lady friend, and she said, "You have no women speaking for you." I told her all my girlfriends are going to be pallbearers. When I mentioned it to one lady friend, she became excited and asked, "What should I wear?"
When you are in a hospice, people are very curious about you, about themselves and about how to deal with denial.
I've had more than 2,000 letters, which I would never have received if I'd had a heart attack.
So for just choosing a way to say goodbye, I now have a chance to relive every walk of my life and all the memories.
I don't want you to think I'm recommending a hospice -- unless you can be assured you're going to be on television and in the New York Times. You don't want to leave this world without anybody knowing you've been here.
This is not a plea for more mail, but I've been asked these questions many times, and I believe since the writers expressed an interest, I owe them a reply.
To paraphrase Hamlet, "To be or not to be -- that is a very good question."
2006Tribune Media Services
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