The Craft of Telling Life Stories

If your Uncle Joe said he landed on Omaha Beach on D-Day and you can't prove that, it's more likely to be written that he was part of the invasion. Handed-down family lore is not always reliable. "People keep obituaries forever. We are responsible for the historical record. We have to be true to history," Bernstein said.

Are some obituaries prepared before a person dies? Yes, it's a good idea to prepare the most important information beforehand if a person is critically ill.

Last year, Bernstein received a call from Edward von Kloberg III, a Washington lobbyist who represented dictators, tyrants and other thoroughly disreputable characters. Kloberg knew that he was going to die soon and wanted his obituary prepared. Bernstein agreed to have lunch with him only if von Kloberg would agree to answer every question truthfully. And he did. "He was refreshingly honest about how he presented himself, unlike some family and friends who speak in a celebratory fashion that doesn't convey reality," Bernstein said.

One obituary complaint, from Bob Braxton of Fairfax, questioned why headlines include the word "dies" in the first entry immediately beneath the heading Obituaries. "I am not in the habit of looking for the living among the dead."

Braxton had stumbled across an arcane rule, the origin of which is lost in Post history: The most important obit of the day used "dies" in the head, though no other did. The rule was recently eliminated, and Anne Ferguson-Rohrer, Metro copy desk chief, said, "I would wager that out of any 100 readers, 95 had no inkling that 'dies' designates an obit as the lead obit."

Another reader noticed that there are far more black faces in the paid death notices than in the news obituaries. Lamb isn't certain of the reason, but thinks it may be cultural and that some minorities are not aware that they can request a news obit, while a paid death notice is part of the service of a mortuary. Lamb is concerned that The Post doesn't get many Asian or Hispanic obituaries, either.

If you want to submit information for an obituary, The Post has an information line at 202-334-7389. Obituaries are run only within 30 days of death. The fax number is 202-334-6553 and the e-mail address is newsobits@washpost.com .

Deborah Howell can be reached at 202-334-7582 or atombudsman@washpost.com.