E-I-E-I-Oh No!
When good children's songwriters go bad

By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, April 16, 2006

My favorite children's songwriter is Barry Louis Polisar, because he's got edge. He's a little wicked. His song titles all read like this one: "Stanley Stole My Shoelace and Rubbed It in His Armpit." His alphabet song is like none you have ever heard: D, for example, is for "doody balls."

So I challenged Barry to a children's songwriting contest. To make it interesting, the deal was that each of us would have to write on a title subject chosen by the other. Once Barry agreed, I had him where I wanted him. This is the title I gave him:

A Discussion of the Laws of Commercial Zoning and/or Eminent Domain as They Impact the Small Business Model (to the tune of "London Bridge Is Falling Down")

Barry never questioned this. He just wrote the song.

Jill and Andy made a plan

Got some land

Built a stand

There they worked hard,

hand in hand

Selling lemon-a-ade.

Then one day this big guy came

Had no shame

Made a claim:

He would have a grander aim

Than selling lemon-a-ade.

Jill and Andy heard the facts

They'd get the ax

To get more tax

Politicians turned their backs

They don't like lemon-a-ade.

Jill and Andy had no clue

Never knew

This could be true

The county wanted revenue

And not from lemon-a-ade.

Now there is a great big store

Cars galore

A huge eyesore

You can't walk there anymore

To get a lemon-a-ade.

There is so much you can buy

Green hair dye

A big bow tie

Christmas lights in mid-July

Who needs lemon-a-ade?

So load the kids into the car

Park on tar

Don't walk far

Buy a pet rock in a jar

And powdered lemon-a-ade.

- - -

Having shown no mercy, I expected none. I was not disappointed. This is the title Barry chose for me, lifted from his son's homework assignment:

An Examination of Freud's "Civilization and Its Discontents," Emphasizing How, in Surrendering His Freedom for the Conformity of Society, Man Has Sublimated His Natural Aggression but Replaced It With Existential Guilt and Neurosis (to the tune of "Yankee Doodle")

Oog the caveman liked to whack

His neighbors on the noo-dle,

And steal their skins and food

and girls --

The whole kit and caboodle.

Other cavemen did the same

All their heads were lum-py.

Everyone was always scared

And went around all jum-py.

So the cavemen came to feel

That violence was just aw-ful.

They made a rule that steal-

ing things

And whacking was unlaw-ful.

But Oog, he liked to whack

and steal

'Twas in a caveman's blo-ood.

It made him feel all proud

and strong

And like a major stu-ud.

A peaceful Oogie was all sad

'Twas one thing or another.

He became a nervous wreck and

Blamed stuff on his mo-ther.

We aren't cavemen anymore --

We're whiners and we're grouches.

We spill our troubles to some clowns

While lying on their couches.

- - -

Please join us next time, when Barry and I explain the human sexual response through the soundtrack of "The Little Mermaid."

Barry Louis Polisar's song was co-written with Roni Polisar. Gene Weingarten's e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com.