We Watch . . . So You Don't Have To
Puff! Puff! Puff! Puff! . . .
The sound of Freddie Mercury's ashes churning in his urn during last night's one-hour mutilation of Queen songs on "American Idol."
A cavalcade of C-listers, led by former Monkee Micky Dolenz and former ABC comedy second-stringer Camryn Manheim, cheered on the Idolettes as they hacked and slashed their way through the Queen songbook while the judges, to their credit, looked slightly appalled. Even Paula Abdul.
Bucky Covington turned "Fat Bottomed Girls" into a hoedown, after declaring the surviving Queens a "great bunch" of guys he could see coming into a bar and having a good time.
Next, Ace Young performed "We Will Rock You Gently" in baggy black leather pants while daintily carrying the mike stand.
Then, Kellie Mae Pickler, in a tight black biker-chick outfit that, we have it on the best of authority (a 15-year-old male), made her look like a 40-year-old, was able to perform a sort of "Bohemian Rhapsody Lite" after it was explained to her what "Bohemian" meant, and "rhapsody."
The judges, having over the past three weeks suffered through 21st Century Song Night, Country Night and two Queen performances, were reduced to telling Kellie Mae how good a job it was, considering it was she who was performing. What the heck kind of standard is that?
More specifically, Simon Cowell, the only judge worth listening to, told her "on paper it should have been completely hideous but . . . "
"Huh? On paper?" Kellie Mae interrupted, batting her big tarantulas.
"He has the weirdest terminology!" she stage-whispered to show host Ryan Seacrest -- the only person, by the way, who did not seem completely horrified by the unholy mating of Queen and "Idol."
Next, rocker Chris Daughtry -- it shoulda been his night -- picked a Queen song the group never performed live and then showed why that was a sound decision on Queen's part.
"They don't perform that song live because it's not a very good song," Simon said, stating the obvious.