He'll Hum Along

It seems that the mystery of the 18-minute hum on one of the key presidential tapes may never be resolved. Rose Mary Woods, President Nixon's lawyers and even Judge Sirica have no idea how it happened. Every possible theory has been advanced and rejected -- except one.

The one explanation is that the President was humming by himself for the entire 18 minutes.

I was put on to this theory by a former White House aide, who says that one of President Nixon's biggest secrets is that he likes to hum when he's struggling with the major problems of the world.

"You mean the entire 18 minutes of hum on tape could have been made by the President?" I asked.

"Easily. I've seen the President hum for hours at a time. It relaxes him and helps him tough it out. He hummed all during the Vietnam war and I wouldn't be surprised if he's been humming ever since Watergate."

"But if the 18 minutes of humming was made by the President, why didn't he just say so and save us all from thinking the worst?"

"Because the President doesn't want anyone to know he hums. He'll do anything to keep people from finding out."

"But why?" I asked.

"He is afraid if the American people know he hums, they may think he's not cool. He doesn't want to go down in history as the first American President who was known as a nervous hummer."

"There's nothing wrong with humming. Lots of people do it."

"Yes, but the President doesn't hum very well. If you listen to the disputed tape, you'll realize his voice is a terrible monotone. Can you imagine what the media would do to him if they discovered the 18-minute hum on the tape was actually made by the President of the United States?"

"Then you think Rose Mary Woods was aware that the hum she heard was made by her boss?"