Green Eggs and Dog Chow

Holy cholesterol. At times like these I feel so alone.

"Come here, girly-girl," I say to Betty, whose head is drooping low. This is what always happens. This is because I am holding the stainless steel dog bowls. Dogs don't know a lot, but dogs know that dog bowls are for dog food. Betty is not the dog-food type. I used to think it was the esophagus issue, or maybe a matter of taste or texture. But I've since learned differently.

"I hate this spatula!" the father says. He's trying to turn the over-easy eggs, both at the same time. He says he's going out later today to buy a bigger spatula. "This is ridiculous! I can't work this way!" The egg turning is always so stressful.

"Why don't you just turn one egg at a time?" I ask.

He looks at me. "Are you making the eggs, or am I making the eggs?"

Dog food. I am happy to do dog food. I want nothing to do with the eggs. I get a scoop of dry for Marley, add a few tablespoons of wet for flavor, plus a squirt of liquid vitamin. I put the food on the floor, and he digs in. I make the same mixture for Betty, adding her two herbal arthritis medications, plus a piece of Kraft American Singles cheese to disguise the truth of dog food. I stir. She watches with dread. Then I get out a dinner plate. Fiestaware, turquoise blue. Her ears perk up. A people plate! She's getting people food!

No, she's not. But the sight of the plate makes her think she is, and that is all that matters. For years I had to coax and coax her to eat, but then I learned: It's all about the plate.

"Madam, your meal is ready," I say to Betty, placing the turquoise plate on her little esophageally correct feeding stool. The father with the eggs throws me a glance. "Pretty soon you'll bring out the Lenox china for that dog."

"She would love that," I say.

"Watch out, girls, these plates are hot," he says, presenting the eggs, green and blue-streaked, both plates featuring toast points set in a star formation.

"I can't believe you," I say.

"I can't believe you," he says.

And this is only breakfast.

Jeanne Marie Laskas's e-mail address is post@jmlaskas.com.