TELL ME ABOUT IT ®

Dear Carolyn:

I am 25 and have been with Dave, 30, for almost three years. We live together and plan to get married and have kids. One thing that repeatedly comes up, though, is my body, and my failure to go to the gym or eat right. This has been our only real disagreement. He thinks I would be perfect if I dropped 15 pounds. I am stubborn and prideful and any requests for me to change have been met with anger and tears.

After I recently complained about the burden of school loans, Dave said he would give me money toward my bills if I could lose 15 pounds in two months. I have told my friends about it, and some say I should kick him to the curb, and the others think it's a good idea. The latter are all gym-going people. They tell me I am not overweight-looking, but if I let myself go now, it will be harder to get in shape later.

I have always been uncomfortable about my body even before the Freshman 15. I think I can lose a few pounds, but I don't think I am grotesque enough or that my health is in jeopardy. I seriously need an unbiased opinion about when to lose weight.

G.

Grotesque enough?

Lose the 15, take the money, kick Dave to the curb.

I'm kidding, but just barely.

Whatever gave this guy the idea that he was entitled to "perfect"? That he had any right to "improve" you to suit his own needs -- especially since he apparently met you as is?

And what part of your psyche said you should marry someone who jabs, jabs, jabs at one of your sorest emotional spots?

Unfortunately, your shaky body image is both the exact reason you should flip Dave the bird and the exact reason you haven't been able to. You're ready to believe his criticism is fair.

You're also ready to believe, enabled by friends, that his offer is about your health. It's not. It's about a guy making his love for you conditional.

That alone makes your situation likely to deteriorate -- but on top of that, his condition is one that will only get harder to satisfy, as your body ages and stretches for kids. Are you really ready to spend the rest of your life fighting for the love of the one person whose love you want most?

If that's too far into the future, try now. How good does Dave make you feel about yourself? When you feel attractive, do other things feel better, too? How good does dessert taste after you've just had to defend your decision to order it?

I have three words for you: Run, run, run. And not in the exercise sense.

I'd urge the exercise sense, as well, but, duh, you don't need me to tell you it's good for you. Fitness is for you to choose, for your reasons. Yes, you owe it to a life partner to make healthy choices -- and if you're ever obese, reckless or someone's life partner, that may be an issue.

But good health is emotional, too, and happiness itself is healthy. Now the fun part: People who are loved as is (and know it) tend to take better care of themselves.

Write to Tell Me About It, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071 ortellme@washpost.comand join Carolyn's live discussion at noon Fridays athttp://www.washingtonpost.com/liveonline.