ASK AMY

Friday, April 28, 2006

Dear Amy:

I read your advice to the mom with the 10-year-old daughter who wanted an iPod. Having just gone through this experience with my own 10-year-old daughter, I wanted to offer some further insight.

I think that had we followed your advice I would have had a very frustrated and unempowered girl on my hands. My daughter "Jenny" also saved her money and wanted an iPod.

It was very hard for me because I felt she was growing up too fast.

The advertising shows these young, hip women letting go, feeling free and dancing to their own tune, and to my 10-year-old girl, these women are awesomely cool.

I really had to look at my own stuff before I could talk to Jenny about how important this was to her. She was really patient with me, and we went back and forth for a couple of months as I dealt with my own sadness of watching my daughter grow up.

By not letting her go for what she wanted, I think I would have been sending her a lot of mixed messages about what it means to be an empowered young girl. If she had been a boy and wanted to blow that money on a PlayStation, would anyone think twice?

She patiently listened to my lectures about subliminal advertising and media influencing people's desires, and I listened patiently as she told me how much she really wanted this. She made the point that it was her money and that I should trust her to make her own decisions. And I did trust her, but I really didn't like letting her go.

Jenny now has her iPod, and I did not lose my daughter. She is outside selling lemonade so that she can buy a Shakira download.

Lori in L.A.

Wow. Your daughter's desire for an iPod seems to have opened a Pandora's box of feelings and fears on your part. Lori -- get a grip!

An iPod is just a thing. It's not a tool for empowerment. It's the latest thing, and in six months there will be another thing to take its place. Your discourse on resisting the power of advertising and the role of the media has somehow led your daughter to an iPod and a Shakira download ("Hips Don't Lie"). So much for resisting advertising and the media's influence.

Mind you, I completely agree with how you talked this out and listened to your daughter's point of view. I also agree with your letting her do this -- because you sound fine with the whole idea. The parent who wrote to me about getting her daughter an iPod was not fine with it.

Families have different values and standards, and it is up to the parents to convey those values and standards, whether they are contemplating an iPod, a PlayStation or a pony.

Dear Amy:

You've responded to several women about how to make new adult friends by getting involved in activities, but I think you miss one important tip: When you do find someone you enjoy talking to, get her e-mail address and invite her out. Get a couple of people who may or may not know each other and plan a girls' night out. Sometimes you have to be the one to pick the night and the place. It's just dinner at a restaurant, and both married and single women love getting out, gabbing and eating. Especially working women -- they always want more girlfriends. Don't wait for someone else to do it -- do it yourself.

Figured It Out

You are completely right. People have to be very proactive to make new friends.

It is really worth the effort.

Write to Amy Dickinson ataskamy@tribune.comor Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.

2006by the Chicago Tribune Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc.