A Leap of Faith

Parents might want to check out a religious school or place of worship in advance to avoid a fundamental clash with their own beliefs. A couple might sidestep a stricter sect if they're concerned their child will worry about God's punishing her parents' irreverent ways. If their kids later want to increase the family's religious observance, parents should be prepared to work toward compromise.

And what if a youngster asks point-blank if Mommy and Daddy believe in God? Mahoney recommends answering honestly but age-appropriately; complex theological musings could frighten a child who wants only a simple reply.

Considering such potential pitfalls, some therapists advise conflicted parents to explore alternative routes to spirituality. Nonreligious parents needn't worry they are harming their children, insists University of Utah clinical neuropsychologist Sam Goldstein, co-author of "Raising Resilient Children."

"Can you raise a strong child, a child with a resilient mind-set to deal with whatever stress and adversity comes their way day after day without religion? The answer," he says, "is a resounding yes." His advice: Teach kids to problem-solve, foster a sense of security through unconditional acceptance and encourage communication. As for instilling morals, parents should above all make sure they model the values they hope to teach, says Goldstein.

Answered Prayers

Like her husband, Varun Gauri, Ayesha Khan did some soul-searching and concluded that she wanted religion's bounties for their daughter Yasmeen and their year-old son, Sharif. At the top of Khan's wish list: a sense of community and spirituality.

Over the years, says Khan, she's seen religious community serve several of her friends -- mostly Jewish -- with its sense of shared history, support and belonging. "We no longer live among extended families and extended communities," she says Khan, 42, who is legal director of Americans United for the Separation of Church and State. And, she notes, "there really aren't intergenerational institutions that offer quite what religion does in our society."

Khan also believes that spirituality -- with its sense of purpose and meaning -- is key to her children's emotional well-being. And she's convinced it would be a lot tougher for them to develop spirituality without the structure and guidance that religion offers.

So she and Gauri are dishing up a religious smorgasbord: Islam from one grandma, Hindu from the other, a Quaker school, a Buddhist retreat and a bit of evangelical Christianity via their former nanny. As Khan acknowledges, "Only time will tell if we were creating great confusion or great enlightenment."

But for Martha Saccocio, a stay-at-home mom in Northwest Washington, the benefits of her kids' religious education are already clear. A few years ago, when she chose Unitarianism for its openness to different visions of the divine, Saccocio didn't know how wise her choice would turn out.

This year, her 8-year-old daughter -- who feels nearly certain that God doesn't exist -- has been harassed repeatedly by some of her public school classmates. They've said they can't talk to her anymore because she doesn't believe in God, and they've insisted that she surely is going to burn in hell.

It's been pretty tough, says Saccocio, who is agnostic. "Still, it's been a big help that [my daughter] already had some familiarity with religion and understands this concept that there are lots of ways that people worship God." What's more, Saccocio feels grateful that their Sunday school was very supportive when they brought the problem up there.

And in a twist that other doubting parents have experienced as well, Saccocio has found her own solace in services. "It's that time when you know you can sit quietly and not have 10 voices talking at you at once," she says. "You get to spend an hour being reflective about your week. It's a chance to think about what you've done and what you want to do to be a better parent -- and a better person." ·

Stacy Weiner last wrote for Health about couples who sleep in separate beds. Comments:health@washpost.com. Join professor Annette Mahoney for a Live Online chat today at noon on www.washingtonpost.com religion and children. For tips on finding spirituality outside the pew, see washingtonpost.com/health.