Heaven Can Wait

Then a few weeks ago, my doctor said I had to change course. He advised me to go to Martha's Vineyard.

Things I didn't care about because I was going to die, I now had to care about. This included shaving in the morning, buying a new cellphone that works, rewriting my living will and scrapping all the plans for my funeral. I also had to start worrying about Bush again.

Alas, the people who come to visit me now look at me with great suspicion. They want to know if the whole thing was a scam. They can't believe, after I said goodbye, I'm going to Martha's Vineyard instead of Paradise.

I called up the TV stations and the newspapers and asked them if they would make a correction and retract the original story. They said they never correct stories about people who claimed they were dying and didn't.

This is where I am now. I'm writing a book called, "Standby in Heaven: The Man Who Wouldn't Die."

I'm still seeing friends, but instead of saying farewell we discuss the Redskins.

So, dear reader, I hope you don't feel you were duped. The moral of this column is: Never trust your kidneys.

2006Tribune Media Services