Joined in Marriage and Finances

In Act II of George Bernard Shaw's "Man and Superman," the character Violet says, "You can be as romantic as you please about love, Hector; but you mustn't be romantic about money."

Violet was cautioning Hector to keep quiet about their secret marriage lest he be disinherited by his wealthy father, who disapproved of her because she was not of the same social status as his son.

While I certainly wouldn't condone such subterfuge, Violet's advice was right on the money.

I often find that some couples go to great lengths to complicate their financial lives in the name of romance. For example, here's a question I received from a San Francisco woman during an online chat recently:

"My fiance and I will be getting married this August and we plan to each keep one account separate (depositing 10 percent of our individual earnings each month or bimonthly). I know that you advocate the total combining of incomes in a marriage, but how else can we surprise each other with the occasional gift, birthday present without the other being tipped off by the online statement? We just wanted to know what you thought."

I get this question quite a bit.

There is no need to set up separate accounts for gifts and possibly incur another set of banking fees. Even if the accounts come without fees, why not just agree that when a birthday, Christmas, anniversary or whatever occasion comes around, you won't peek at the credit card statement online or when the bill comes in the mail?

I've been married almost 15 years and we've always managed to surprise each other with gifts even though we have joint accounts.

But let me ask a question: What if your spouse does find out what you spent on a gift? Does it make the gift any less meaningful? Do you care because you're keeping score?

Sometimes these separate "gift" accounts can cause tension. What if you're the frugal spouse and your gift account keeps growing because you don't buy as expensive of gifts as your better half does? Would you be willing to put the surplus funds in the joint account?

In a marriage, I think each person should have an allocated amount of money he or she can spend, no questions asked. No judgment.

For example, let's say your husband or wife is a golfer. That's an expensive sport. As a result, you might agree that his or her monthly allowance might be several hundred dollars a month to cover the cost of playing.