By Lisa de Moraes
Thursday, May 25, 2006; C01

Captain Kangaroo won "American Idol" last night, edging out pretty Katharine McPhee in the Fox singing competition.

Taylor Hicks, the 29-year-old Captain K ringer from Birmingham, kept up the South's winning streak on the most popular television show in the country. More than 32 million viewers had watched the two finalists' last performance the night before.

They cast 63.4 million votes Tuesday night -- "more than any president in the history of our country has ever received," show host Ryan Seacrest told viewers at the end of a two-hour orgy of excess jammed with performances by some of the hottest and some of the oldest pop stars around.

For a show totally lacking in suspense, it was quite the drama.

After putting viewers through four years of "Idol" finales puffed up like blowfish with backstage blather and visits to the finalists' hometown high school gymnasiums, this year the producers had a bright idea: Entertain the audience at home with actual music performances by actual stars.

Duets maybe, with "Idol" finalists?

And so, Paris Bennett kicks things off with Al Jarreau, singing "In This Love Together."

Next, Chris Daughtry sings with his favorite band, Live. Remember when he aped Live's cover of the Johnny Cash classic "Walk the Line" and the judges complimented him for making the Cash tune "his own"? Good times.

Standing next to Live lead Ed Kowalczyk singing "Mystery," Daughtry looks like one of those Here's How to Get the Look for Under $100 models. He looked exactly like the Live Lead -- a Live Lead Look-Alike -- only less.

And what's an "American Idol" finale without tacky shtick?

This year it's in the form of two running gags: the Golden Idol Awards and Puck 'n' Pickler interstitials in which Little Kellie Pickler, the former "Idol" contestant from Albemarle, N.C. -- the one who'd never had calamari, or spinach salad for that matter -- is taught by celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck all about food that doesn't start with "deep-fried."

First, Puck introduces Kellie to snails, which she spits into her napkin.

Speaking of Meatloaf, he was exhumed to do a "Beauty and the Beast" duet with McPhee, "It's All Coming Back to Me Now." He's in a black suit, carrying a bedspread-sized red hankie with which to wipe the flopsweat off his face. She's in this incredible tight black dress slit up to here in the back and down to there in the front. The "American Idol" Cleavage Cam gets some great shots of Katharine while around the country men kick themselves for having voted for Taylor.

Puck 'n' Pickler's back. This time: lobster. EEEEEK! She screams as two live lobsters destined for slaughter, their claws taped shut, are brought out for the amusement of viewers watching at home and the 3,000 or so in Hollywood's Kodak Theatre.

"It's live ! . . . That's gross ! . . . "I'm not eating that!" The Boys of "American Idol" come out all dressed in black, which can mean only one thing: They're going to sing bad-boy songs. Songs like "Tobacco Road" and "Taking Care of Business." And yes, that passes for bad boy in these scary times. Send your letters of thanks to the Federal Communications Commission.

At 8:49 p.m., Seacrest hands keys to Ford Mustangs to Katharine and Taylor because an "Idol" sponsor hasn't been plugged in the last two minutes.

Time for a Golden Idol Award, this one Proudest Family Moment, won by Elliott Yamin's ailing mother, who is seated in the audience. In addition to the trophy, Seacrest says he has another surprise for her: "I have your little boy performing."

Her little boy sings "One" with Mary J. Blige, who did not get the memo that this show is called "American Idol," not "The Mary J. Blige Show." After trying her best to shout Elliott down while yanking his right arm out of its socket, she simply moves in front of him and finishes the song as a solo while poor Elliott tries gamely to contribute. Blige then walks offstage, leaving him in her dust.

Our current reigning American Idol Carrie Underwood sings some wholesome country song.

Time for another Golden Idol Award: The Randy Jackson Prize for Public Speaking, won by the most foul-mouthed of the early auditioners, Rhonetta, who appears via satellite, reprising the performance that won her the trophy.

Taylor gets to follow that act, singing Elvis's "In the Ghetto" with Toni Braxton.

Braxton is singing -- such as it is -- phonetically and therefore doesn't realize that this is a song about a little child who needs a helping hand because he's living in the ghetto. Instead, she mistakes it for a song about a ho and her pimp, as played by Braxton and Taylor, on whom she tries to perform a standing lap dance, winning her the Golden Idol Award for Most Inappropriate Performance During an "Idol" Finale.

"Idol" took a minute -- actually 11 minutes -- to pay homage to Burt Bacharach, who plays the piano for the "Idol" gang and Dionne Warwick. Dionne sings "Walk on By" and "That's What Friends Are For"; little Kevin Covais sings "What's New Pussycat?" And they say the variety show is dead.

The guest-star bit is over, Seacrest announces; time for the voting results.

But wait a minute. Here's Prince. My American Idol! Poor Captain Kangaroo, who we have known for weeks is going to win this competition, will have to follow Prince singing the heck out of "I'm Just Trying to Get You Satisfied" and "Lolita" with his lame Made-for-"Idol" Treacle Tune.

Is this fair?

With minutes to go Katharine skips out onstage in some drop-dead-gorgeous gown and joins Taylor, in a velvet tux, to sing "Time of My Life."

Then Seacrest introduces the head of the company that tallies the votes, just like they're at the Oscars. Tally Man hands over an envelope to Seacrest, who announces -- surprise -- Taylor is the winner. David Hasselhoff is seen in the audience, tearing up.

Taylor sings his Made-for-"Idol" Treacle Tune "Do I Make You Proud."

And here comes the Made-for-"Idol" Treacle Tune Gospel Choir to bring it home . . .