Why Not the Worst?
An agenda for the coming Democratic juggernaut
As I write this, Republicans are in free fall, wedded to an unpopular president who is mired in an ill-conceived war while afloat in a cesspool of scandal. The mixed metaphors alone are enough to make you sick. Conventional wisdom is that 2008 is looking great for the Democrats.
In politics, however, conventional wisdom is often wrong -- particularly where Democratic victory is presumed. Why, it seems like just yesterday that Al Gore managed to take a great résumé, a sophisticated command of the issues and a legacy of the country's strongest peacetime economy, and parlay them into defeat at the hands of -- and I mean no disrespect here -- a man who was considered a little weak in the brains by his own mother.
  (Eric Shansby) |
One suspects that, deep down, the Democrats secretly don't want to win. Which is why, as a service to their party, I offer today:
A 16-Point Plan for Blowing It
(1) After a robust, free-wheeling primary process that systematically weeds out anyone with an actual coherent opinion on anything, select a candidate who, in terms of personal electricity, makes John Kerry seem like Zeus. Dig deep, if necessary. Example: Michael Dukakis.
(2) To attract crowds at campaign events, hand out coupons for free abortions.
(3) Appoint some ridiculous, spit-flying maniac to be chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Oh, wait . . .
(4) To demonstrate Democrats' lifelong commitment to unionism and the rights of minorities, the candidate should
espouse full benefits for undocumented workers, including three weeks' paid leave for "pet bereavement."
(5) Have an open, unbrokered convention, with everyone speaking his or her mind in a fully Democratic fashion, encouraging dissent, airing grievances, celebrating differences, resulting in a 6,000-page, all-inclusive party platform that addresses all concerns, such as "fairness to pre-surgical, pansexual, non-transgendered women living as post-surgical, transgendered, transvestite homosexual men."
(6) Speak plainly and honestly to the American people about the bitter sacrifices we will have to make in confronting long-term fiscal realities: subsisting on $1-an-ounce gasoline dispensed in atomizer bottles; getting retirement benefits at age 84; dining on horse byproducts . . .
(7) Televise fundraising events for the Manhattan literati, with entertainment by renowned avant-garde performance artists who will demonstrate freedom of expression by engaging in daring, envelope-pushing acts. Example: beheading live bald eagles.
(8) To illustrate your commitment to diversity and appeal to Latino voters, make the campaign slogan "Turn the White House Into a Brown House -- Los Democrats in 2008."
(9) To show distaste for the current administration's scattershot telephone surveillance program, promise never to authorize surveillance of anyone for any reason. As
a side benefit, this will bring in campaign contributions from organizations with names like "The Fratoinal Order of Jamokes Who Talk Like Dis, See?"
(10) Give up on the "death tax." It's a loser. Propose a "birth tax."
(11) To demonstrate the Democrats' unswerving support for free speech: patriotic flag burnings.
(12) To court the women's vote, resurrect the Equal Rights Amendment, emphasizing "zero tolerance" for any enforced gender differences -- specifically outlawing segregated bathrooms, dedicated hospital wards for childbirth, and the sale of personal hygiene products of use to only one sex.
(13) The candidate's press secretary: Michael Moore.
(14) To end dependence on foreign oil, offer huge tax incentives to companies willing to make family-size bicycles.
(15) Hire Oliver Stone to make the biographical movie for the presidential and vice presidential candidates. To show a commitment to transparency, give him plenty of time to find out whatever he can and draw whatever conclusions he deems appropriate.
(16) Shoot yourselves in the foot. I mean, literally. Every Democratic hopeful should shoot himself or herself in the foot.
Gene Weingarten's e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com.
Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon at www.washingtonpost.com.
