Belief Is the Ultimate Surrender of Control

Most would explain their coming to church as an expression of their faith: "I worship because I believe." I explain it differently: "I believe because I worship."

That difference in perspective stems from my personal religious journey. Though of Jewish background, I grew up in the Ethical Culture movement, which believes that the concept of God gets in the way of the central religious issue: how we treat one another. After I started attending St. Mark's Episcopal Church, I found myself caught in the tension of wanting to participate fully while being an atheist. Three circumstances allowed me to embrace God and Christ.

First, the priest at St. Mark's when I joined, Jim Adams, was quite a skeptic about God. His example taught that doubting the existence of God is okay, that doubt and faith are really the same thing.

Second, when I asked Jim why he was a Christian, he responded that giving up his life to God and to Christ allowed him to give up his need to control. Jim's comment was like hearing the voice of God inviting me to struggle, as a Christian, with my desire to control.

Third, I yearn to take communion, which is the most profound sign that God is alive in my life. I am willing -- indeed, eager -- to love the Eucharist without understanding why. It is the ultimate surrender of control for this control freak.

In reaching for the bread and wine, I celebrate the miracle that God has allowed me to break down my wall of logic and control and bring me to his embrace. I believe in God because He gives me both the Eucharist and the desire for it.

--Randall Marks, Takoma Park