Lying, for Mom's Sake

The Situation You love your mom but you're desperate for a break from caregiving. She needs help with meals and general looking-after, but she's adamant about not wanting a stranger in her home.

The Solution Getting Mom to accept outside help is critical to your health, says the Family Caregiver Alliance (FCA), a California-based nonprofit that addresses the needs of family caregivers. Hear her reasons for resisting -- she may fear a loss of privacy or independence -- and acknowledge her feelings, the group suggests. Involve her, if possible, in choosing a health aide and introduce the person gradually.

The Script "It's a delicate conversation, so people have to tread carefully," says Bonnie Lawrence, FCA's communications manager. Particularly for relatives with dementia, "bending the truth" may be needed, she said. "Sometimes we do recommend adjusting reality to make it comprehensible. . . . It's less stressful for her and ultimately for you."

Some words the FCA says may help -- and why:

· "This is for me. I know you don't need help." Framing it as your need, rather than hers, helps maintain her sense of dignity. Assure her you're not abandoning her.

· "This is prescribed by the doctor." She may be more willing to accept help that the doctor advises -- or she thinks he advises.

· "I need someone to help clean." She may find it easier to accept this than the idea that she needs help herself.

· "This is a free service." She may be more willing to accept care if she doesn't have to worry about her costing you money.

· "This is my friend." This can help establish trust and rapport. You could even suggest that the "friend" is the one who needs company.

· "This is only temporary." This may give you the time you need for her to forge a new relationship. If her short-term memory isn't so good, she may also forget you said this.

Adapted with permission from the Family Caregiver Alliance/National Center on Caregiving (http://www.caregiver.org)