Lessons in Pretension

Chateau Nehicola Pinot Grigio Sputum-like, viscous, this wine is so sweet you can see the suspended crystals of sugar. Celebrated as the wine the baby rabbit is drinking in bed in Goodnight Moon.

Terry Bradshaw Cabernet Sauvignon Reserve Notes of aluminum, magnesium, tungsten. Oily finish. Case-hardened and blowtorched before aging at least three weeks in metal casks. The Official Wine of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Ravingswood Chardonnay Fruity, flamboyant, unbalanced, even deranged, this heavily mapled white wine will make your skin crawl in a strangely pleasing way. It is alternately welcoming and hostile, tangy and saccharine, liquid and solid. Voted "Most Unhinged Wine" three years in a row at the NASCAR Viticultural Festival.

Le Boeuf Pinot Grigio A wine so delicate and quaffable it is often mistaken for Gatorade. Best paired with a PowerBar or gulped at the end of a workout.

House Sauvignon Blanche Old-fashioned, corseted, gnarled. A dry, parched wine, intensely wrinkled. The desiccation comes from years of evaporation. Pair with water or some other fluid.

Chianti Classico, Rocco de Balboa A massively structured, bombastic, muscle-bound wine. Pair with raw eggs swallowed whole. You'll be tempted to eat this wine with a fork.

Valle Puttooti White Zinfandel This is to fine wine as Dan Brown is to Shakespeare. Ideal for the damaged palate. Serious oenophiles will want to let this breathe in the glass for at least an hour, then pitch it into the flowerpot when no one is looking.

Read Joel Achenbach weekdays at washingtonpost.com/achenblog.