A Miracle, a Puzzle: Father-in-Law's Advice to Dad-to-Be

Dear Jorge:

Despite all the parenting manuals and ad hoc advice floating around, for me fatherhood has quite simply been life's most important journey. Like any new journey, a flood of new and competing feelings -- like excitement and uncertainty -- grapples to dominate your heart and mind.

Even in the most planned-for and anticipated conception, the event stuns you. In graduate school, when Donna and I found out that she was pregnant with Kim, who now carries your child, we hugged each other with amazement and awe. I think it's the miraculous nature of conception -- that two people, with the help of a higher power, can create a new, third person. And with good fortune, your children will one day survive you and have their own children.

Your joy is sustained by telling family, friends and colleagues -- and there are the endless hugs, tears of joy, the hearty handshakes, the pats on the back and all the well-wishing.

However, uncertainty creeps in. Fragments of doubt begin to float through your mind. Believe me, this father thing is an adaptive process. You go through ups and downs -- it's normal to feel incredibly high at one point ("Wow, what did I do to deserve such a blessing!") but very low at another point ("What the hell am I doing?"). Your first doubts may come as a question: What does this mean to "us" as a couple? Marriage is about the couple, but parenthood is about the tribe, the family. Introducing a third person changes a relationship from the comfort of the known to uncertainty. However, as uncertain as you might think the future of "us" is, the power of "we," the family, will re-create both of you in remarkable ways. When Donna and I had Kim and, eight years later, Jess, to love, nurture and educate, great things happened to us all. It's the same stuff of a championship team: the right group focused on the right goal at the right time. Like a great team, parenthood evolves, and it will make you each far greater than you could have been otherwise.

All that personal growth does not mean there won't be challenges and reshuffling of priorities. The same grit and intelligence that got you through life this far, though, will help you face this challenge.

Remember that for Kim, the reshuffling is not only psychological but also physical -- her mind and body are simultaneously altered to accommodate your child. An additional 20 or 30 pounds, swelling feet, aching back and myriad other symptoms are simply her body's way of making room for your baby.

Then there will be the questions.

"Will we be able to afford a baby?" I remember this and that I was ashamed to admit such a selfish question out loud, but it echoed in my mind. I later found out that this question and others like it are normal.

What's the most difficult thing about being a father? For me it was leadership. It's not that you're leading your wife -- neither of you is the CEO; you're truly partners. Instead, what is difficult is the personal leadership, stepping up to the new relationship. I was scared when Donna got pregnant with Kim.

We lived in student housing smaller than only one floor of our present three-level Colonial. I had a part-time night job, and Donna worked as a secretary. Doubts soon flooded over the joy and excitement. I said the right things about wanting a child, about not being concerned about whether it was a boy or a girl, about caring only about the baby's health. I smiled a lot, but I was scared as hell because I didn't know what to do next and had no one to talk to about it -- my dad's Alzheimer's had begun to seep in.

The sudden responsibility of providing for a family thrusts men and women into a new role. When the new mother also works outside the home as Kim did, the economics can undermine the joy. The best perspective I can offer is that the family, your tribe, will figure it out.