Avert Your Eyes! And Your Brain!

But this new Mike Hammer is just as gutsy as the old one. He's not afraid to run a picture of a dead zebra rotting in an African drought. Or a dead mountain climber rotting in the snows of Mount Everest. Or a pile of chicken heads rotting in China.

And Hammer is a straight shooter. He doesn't mince words. When he runs a photo essay under the headline "Dead Man Rotting," he's not kidding. He gives you no fewer than 12 pictures of a dead guy rotting in the summer sun, complete with flies and maggots. (The magazine's motto, emblazoned on the cover: "WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!")

But Shock isn't just gross. It also has heart-warming, life-affirming pictures, such as the shots of guys with only one leg playing soccer. And the pictures of a guy with no legs playing golf. There are also funny pictures of kids and dogs. In fact, in just two issues, Shock has already run photos of a dog smoking a cigarette and a baby smoking a cigarette. Awwww, that's so cute!

And it gives me warm, fuzzy feelings to know that Shock hired Sandie Crisp -- the "polio-stricken dancing transvestite" who became semi-famous by tap-dancing in an Internet video -- to give fashion advice to the stars.

But the best thing about Shock is that it doesn't publish too many words. In fact, no article is longer than a couple of paragraphs, which is perfect.

Don't get me wrong -- words have their place. But that place is in the New Yorker, where they keep the cartoons from banging into each other. The problem with words is that they lead to thoughts. And thinking makes my head hurt.

But my head feels fine after reading Shock. My stomach is a tad queasy, but I'm sure that'll pass.

I've only got one beef. On the cover of the first issue, there was a little photo of Jessica Simpson wearing a low-cut dress, alongside a cover line saying "Jessica Simpson Gets Down and Dirty Inside!" Well, that got my heart pumping! But when I looked inside, all I found was a photo of Jessica flipping somebody the bird.

On the cover of the second issue, there was a photo of actress Kristin Cavallari in a skimpy bikini with the cover line, "Kristin Cavallari Shows Us Some Skin." Well, that revved my motor! But when I looked inside, all I found were photos of Cavallari's face made up to look bloody for a movie she's filming.

Hey, Mike Hammer, is this some kind of bait-and-switch scam? You promise us steamy shots and then you leave us high and dry. Twice.

It's almost as if you think your readers are stupid.