'Little Man': The Pictures Really Have Gotten Small

Shawn Wayans and the face of brother Marlon in "Little Man," a film that sinks lower than Norma Desmond could ever have imagined. (Columbia Pictures Via Associated Press)

See that bus? Stop that bus. Now, climb aboard and take over. Pick that guy, pick that woman -- oh, and pick that kid. Who are they? It doesn't matter.

Are they hostages?

No way. They are now officially moviemakers.

"Folks, here's $20 million. You three, whoever you are and don't even tell me, your job is to make a movie as good as 'Little Man,' directed by Keenen Ivory Wayans and written by Wayans and his two brothers, Shawn and Marlon, who actually star. You have one year."

Cut to: The Academy Awards, 2008.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my distinct pleasure to announce that the Best Picture of 2007 is 'Little Man: The Remake,' directed by Three Random People on a Bus. Folks, please come up and get your Oscars and we'll see you at the big party at Chasen's."

No, it won't happen. But it could. There's no reason why it couldn't, if someone just had the gumption to make it happen.

Meanwhile, in the real world, "Little Man" is about what you'd think a movie in which a man masquerades as a baby would be. Every orifice is covered, and the product of every orifice is also covered, and the vocabulary that describes both the orifice and its product is detailed. Hmmm, that's about it.

The gimmick features Marlon Wayans -- actually, Marlon Wayans's face -- magically computer-painted on various aspects of two little persons named Linden Porco and Gabriel Pimental, who jointly get the strangest film credit in history: "Calvin (body)." Marlon's face and Linden and Gabriel's body play the jewel thief Calvin who, in the confusion of a major job, dumps his loot in a woman's purse and must therefore penetrate her house to reacquire it. He pretends to be a baby in order to get into it.

The woman, played by super good sport Kerry Washington, takes him to her bosom and her bed (the one good joke). Meanwhile, her husband (Shawn Wayans) frets and dithers in the background, while Calvin (body and face) tries to get the jewel -- and outside the house, various thinly imagined criminal types try to also get the jewel.

As I said, orifices and their products, and that's about it.

Little Man is an extremely hard PG-13 (for sexual innuendo). It is 90 minutes long and playing at area theaters.