Meeting the Mistress

Dear Miss Manners:

My husband and I have been separated for two years. We have three adult children and three young grandchildren. He is much closer to many members of my family than his own family and therefore we are in social situations often. We have a friendly relationship.

He started dating about six months ago and although I already knew this, he only informed me one week before his big 60th birthday party. He gave me a courtesy call. It took him two hours to finally stop by me to introduce her.

I have since been told that it was my place to initiate the introductions. I fail to see the logic in that. Whose responsibility was it?

Just when Miss Manners believes that the annals of etiquette contain rulings on everything and she can retreat to the porch swing, a new issue comes along. Whoops, we forgot to rule on the issue of precedence in instances of friendly husbands introducing their wives and mistresses.

Indeed, the wife does have seniority. But if you have managed to maintain friendly relations under such volatile circumstances, Miss Manners would not advise risking them on this point.

Dear Miss Manners:

Recently, before church, a lady asked for my address, as she was planning a social event. Instead of recording my address in her address book, she handed me an envelope (which I wrote my address on, in shock), an envelope which I received in the mail this morning. This lady is prone to planning events in which guests are commanded (sometimes in detail) to bring their own food, drink, utensils, chairs and entertainment. Why she supposes that she is the person doing the hosting, I cannot say. But at any rate, must we "guests" be expected to address our own invitations as well?

And your own expression of regret at not being able to attend, Miss Manners would think.

Dear Miss Manners:

I recently visited a remote tropical island where, upon my departure, the local inhabitants insisted on killing and eating a giant sea turtle in my honor. I do eat meat, but not turtle. Though I thanked them and ate it with a smile, was that the wrong thing to do?

As opposed to our own native habit of saying, "Yuck, how can you eat such a thing?" and then lecturing the hosts on nutrition, ecology or the sea turtle's point of view?

You would never know it from America's dining tables, Miss Manners realizes, but it is offensive to criticize other people's food or eating habits.

Of course, it is also rude to monitor what guests do or do not eat, which is equally common in our society, but there is an exception. And you have run smack into it.

Between cultures, whether they are countries or ethnic groups within the same country, food is a test of whether outsiders are worthy. So unless you have an excuse that seems beyond your control (and is accompanied by a look of regret and longing), such as an allergy or a religious restriction, eat up and declare it the best thing you ever tasted. It is good training for a career as a diplomat or politician.

2006by Judith Martin Distributed by United Feature Syndicate