A Pricey Guide to That Coveted Unnatural Look

NewBeauty magazine has an answer to the age-old question on every woman's lips.

The question is: Honey, how do I look?

And the answer is: You look terrific, honey. But you'd look even more terrific if you got a facelift, a neck lift, a gum lift, a thread lift, an arm lift, a breast lift, a body lift, liposuction, liposculpture, liposelection, Botox injections, collagen injections, nasolabial injections, fat injections, a tummy tuck, eyelash extensions, a snap-on smile and twice-daily injections of human growth hormone.

NewBeauty is a fat, glossy women's magazine that touts the kind of unnatural beauty that can be achieved by cosmetic surgery, cosmetic dentistry and cosmetics that cost $525 because they contain -- believe it or not -- caviar.

NewBeauty (there's no space between the words) bills itself as "the world's most unique beauty magazine." And it sure is a lot more uniquer than those stodgy old beauty magazines that never extol the glories of a "complete mouth makeover" or publish the phrase "Think of your breast as an envelope."

Surely NewBeauty is the only beauty mag to publish a special 10-page feature titled "Stop Adult Acne," which not only identifies the five types of acne (nodules, pustules, papules . . . oh, never mind) but also reveals how to attack them: "In the event of a painful 'underground' pimple, dial up your dermatologist for an emergency Kenalog injection or try the Zeno at-home zit-zapper."

Founded in 2005 in Boca Raton, Fla., NewBeauty by something called Sandow Media is a not-quite-quarterly magazine -- two issues last year, two so far this year -- that publishes nine regional editions, each touting local cosmetic surgeons and each selling for the low, low price of only $9.95!!

The latest issue contains mini-profiles of the magazine's illustrious 16-member editorial advisory board, which is composed of plastic surgeons and cosmetic dentists, plus a "corrective makeup specialist" and a hairdresser who is "known for his innovative approach to hair, a method that requires clients to stand for a portion of the haircut in order to ensure a hairstyle that is totally proportionate to the individual's overall appearance."

It's a super-impressive advisory board, which is why I was so bummed out when I glanced at the bottom of the page and saw this sentence: "The editorial advisory board does not endorse or verify the claims of any product that appears in NewBeauty."

Oh, no! That means the advisory board can't verify that eating an $8 bar of Borba Clarifying Chocolate actually prevents zits. Or that scarfing a $25 bag of Borba Acai Skin Treatment Gummi Boosters can help you "snack your way to healthier, younger-looking skin."

NewBeauty is jampacked with "articles" on nifty products made with amazing ingredients. For instance, there's "SeaCreation Cream," which contains "pearl protein" and "Babor Thermophilus," a microorganism that lives in volcanic reefs 7,500 feet below the surface of the Pacific -- which makes this stuff a steal at only $400 a jar.

Even better is "Estee Lauder Re-Nutriv Re-Creation Creme," which not only contains "unique sea algae" and "74 trace minerals" from the island of Okinawa but also has special super-duper "deep sea water from 2,000 feet below the surface around the islands of Hawaii." Water like that doesn't come cheap, which is why this "excellent product" costs $900 a jar.