Pregnant With Humor

This just in:

Dr. Shevach Friedler of Assaf Harofeh Medical Center in Israel last week presented findings at a medical conference in Prague suggesting that efforts to impregnate a woman artificially are considerably more successful if she is amused. Friedler cited an experiment at his fertility clinic, in which patients who were entertained by a clown during their procedure were substantially more likely to become pregnant than those who were not entertained by the clown.

My first thought, of course, was: This explains my two children!

But then I realized it explains a lot more. It explains -- in plain, irrefutable, Darwinian terms -- why men are, by and large, buffoons. It's not our fault! It is a result of natural selection. Women who wish to most efficiently perpetuate the species are going to seek out clowns.

I decided to put this thesis to a rigorous scientific test. Consider the results of my research, and judge for yourself:

Man | Buffoon Factor | Number of Children Sired

George Washington | Zero | None

Jesus of Nazareth | Zero | None

Dan Quayle | Medium high | 3

Pat Robertson | High | 4

Donald Trump | Off the charts | 5 (that we know of)

So, I think my point has been scientifically established. My next question, naturally, was, "What's in it for me?" If I were a scientist, I could write a treatise on the confluence of high fertility and jerko male humor -- I'd call it "On the Origin of Feces," or something. But I have no science cred, so I needed some other angle. Then it hit me, like a rhubarb pie in the face. This could be a moneymaking opportunity.