Fractured Funny Bone

And there's a guide to the five worst comedy movies ever made. "Bad comedies," writes Michael J. Nelson, "are worse than anything else in the whole of human history."

Reading Cracked, you understand exactly what he means.

Spend an hour with Cracked and you'll long for something warm, something fuzzy, something wholesome and uplifting. In short, something like Hallmark magazine.

"What's it about?" Lisa Benenson, Hallmark's editor in chief asks in her column. "It's about the joy of lives that are busy and full, and about taking the time to appreciate them."

Hallmark is the kind of magazine that calls autumn "the other New Year" and urges readers to "make a resolution to start fresh!"

Aimed at women, Hallmark is chock-full of positive advice. Start your day by "stepping outside for a quick dose of fresh air." And: "Gather an armful of foliage to bring the warm colors of the season into your home." And: "It's true! Banana cream pie can de-stress you."

Seeking a higher quality of uplifting advice, Hallmark asked several hotshot female authors to reveal "how we get happy!"

Valerie Frankel, author of "The Accidental Virgin," gets happy by decorating her house with glittery, sparkly stuff: "My latest purchase -- suggested by my equally unsophisticated husband -- was two acrylic toilet seats implanted with tropical fish, seaweed and shells."

Allegra Goodman, author of "Kaaterskill Falls," gets happy by wearing goofy hats. "My sister bought me a red felt hat when I sold my first book," she writes. "Since then, I've maintained my tradition of buying a hat with every publication or award, and the collection has grown."

Amy Wilentz, author of "I Feel Earthquakes More Often Than They Happen," gets happy by returning her supermarket shopping carts to their proper place. "My cart is my responsibility, and I like to shoulder it," she writes. "I feel almost patriotic as I push the rattling steel vehicle into the long metal corral and shove it in. I'm not just a consumer, there to spend my money. No. I'm a useful and productive volunteer, choosing by this act to participate in something larger than myself -- "

Thank you for sharing, Amy.

"I am turning myself into a cog in a smoothly working machine. I am saying 'thank you' to the supermarket and all its workers -- "