Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Dear Miss Manners:

A few nights ago my husband and I went out to try a new Italian restaurant. When our food arrived, Waiter 1 set down my plate, then set down my husband's. Not five seconds later, Waiter 2 arrived, asking, "Would either of you care for some fresh ground pepper?"

I said, "Let me just take a quick taste first." (I took a small bite, chew chew chew.) "No thank you, I'm fine without pepper."

Now my husband says I was rude to the waiter for making him wait. I say the chef went to all the trouble of preparing a nice dish, I should at least try it before adding any seasonings.

We've agreed to abide by your ruling: Was it rude to ask the waiter to wait?

You mean because that is his job description? But there is waiting and waiting. His job is to wait on you, not to wait for you.

By now, your husband probably thinks he has won, but Miss Manners is going to disappoint him.

You were actually cooperating with the waiter, who was wielding the pepper mill so that he could do his job properly. This task is not to go around mindlessly spraying the food of everyone who doesn't say no quickly enough. It is to ensure that the food is seasoned to each diner's taste. It is therefore reasonable, as well as polite, to check first whether it is already to your taste.

Dear Miss Manners:

My family has joined a local swimming pool that has a very nice children's pool. There is a fee for bringing guests. We occasionally invite friends and pay the fee. I know that some friends would like to be invited more frequently and wonder why we don't ask them. I am fairly certain they are not aware of the guest fees. I would love for them to join us more often, but simply cannot afford to pay to bring guests regularly. Is there a polite way to let them know that they are welcome to join us if they are willing to pay the fee?

Although this sounds more like a neighborhood cooperative than a private club, it is ungracious to suggest to guests that they reimburse you for inviting them as guests.

But why don't you invite them to become members? People whom you like, and who enjoy going there often, sound like obvious candidates. At the least, this will give you an excuse to inform them of the joining cost, the dues and other charges, such as guest fees. If they choose not to join, they will still be able to guess why you do not invite them more often.

Dear Miss Manners:

My 20-year-old daughter was recently married. She is also pregnant. One of the guests at the wedding gave a gift of Pampers and baby wipes. I was simply livid. It was such poor taste. I would like to know what is an appropriate response to this obvious slight.

A letter of thanks for a useful, if not glamorous, present.

Miss Manners does not understand why this troubles you. It is an insult to insinuate that a bride is pregnant, or at least it used to be. But one who is frankly so can hardly take offense when this is recognized.

Dear Miss Manners:

My girlfriend puts bacon bits on her salad, something I find disgusting. I tell her this is "gross." She says it is rude of me to comment negatively about her food. I say this is not rude of me, that I think it is gross even though she doesn't. Please help us settle this.

What is gross here is your putting your nose into someone else's salad. Miss Manners would say that the lady erred only in not going far enough. Even monitoring what others eat is rude, much less commenting on it. Even more serious an etiquette travesty is your assumption that thinking something justifies saying it.

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette quesitons to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) atMissManners@unitedmedia.comor mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

2006Judith Martin