By Tony Kornheiser
Thursday, August 31, 2006
In order to submerge myself more fully in the "Monday Night Football" experience, I've decided to dip my toe into the world of fantasy football by joining the "PTI" league. I figure I might make a little extra cash, which is always good, and at the very least I'll learn how to pronounce the names of some of these players. (Technically, I'll also be learning who they are, since I've done zero prep. Hmm, now that I think about it, isn't being in a fantasy league a form of insider trading, considering I work for "Monday Night Football?" Didn't Martha Stewart go to the big house for something like that?)
My first concern was selecting just the right name for my team. (My first concern, according to Cindy, should have been the fact that this will turn me into an "irredeemable loser yutz." That's yutz , with a "y," honey.) I had three possibilities: They Won't Let Me Get a Word in Edgewise, Joe Knows Everything and, my favorite, Kolber Chevrolet. (I rejected King of the Losers; guess who suggested that ?)
I enlisted Gene Wang, The Post's Dr. Fantasy -- not for the first time in my life, but that's another matter -- to make my draft picks. The only instruction I gave him was "we gotta have a Johnson." So if we couldn't get Larry Johnson, Chad Johnson or Rudi Johnson, we were going to draft Lyndon Johnson because I knew he'd be available. Much to my delight, Geno was able to get Rudi Johnson with my first pick, at No. 7.
(I asked Cindy to stay late last night to take the results of my draft for this column. I said, "I'll call you with updates every round." She said, "Imagine my excitement.")
I want to have some action in every "MNF" game, so I'm going to make sure I have at least one player on the field. It'll 1) keep me awake and 2) if the guy stinks and costs me points in my league, I can rip him to shreds on national television.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, your 2006 Kolber Chevrolet: Rudi Johnson; DeMatha's own Brian Westbrook; Eli Manning; Santana Moss; Alge "Cindy: You Idiot, You Should Have Taken Fungi" Crumpler; Matt Jones; Cedric Benson; Shayne Graham; 70-year-old Isaac Bruce; short-throwing Steve McNair; the Dallas defense; and Tampa Bay tight end Alex "I'm the Alex Smith with big hands" Smith.
They're all in play Monday night.
And so am I.