Hey, Don't Say They Didn't Warn You . . .

That verdict, which got more publicity than a Super Bowl and Tipper Gore combined, persuaded McDonald's and other coffee vendors to put labels on coffee cups warning that hot coffee is hot.

After that, the floodgates burst. Terrified of lawsuits, American businessmen began plastering their products with labels that belabored the obvious.

For example, the sage advice on a package of Dr. Scholl's socks: "Please be cautious as socks can be slippery when walking without shoes."

Or the car commercials on TV in which vehicles swoop through the air or suddenly brake inches from a pedestrian, as small print at the bottom of the screen says, "Do not attempt."

Warnings like those provided Dorigo Jones with fodder for this book. The baking dish that warned: "Ovenware will get hot when used in oven." The toilet brush that warned: "Do not use for personal hygiene."

But not all the new labels warned of dangers that were absurdly obvious. Some warned of dangers that were absurdly bizarre.

Listerine mouthwash, for a while, carried this warning: "Do not swallow. In case of accidental overdose, seek professional assistance or contact a poison control center immediately."

Crest toothpaste warned: "If more than used for brushing is accidentally swallowed, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center right away."

And jars of Metamucil bear this warning: "Taking this product without adequate fluid may cause it to swell and block your throat or esophagus and may cause choking."

(Have you ever attended the funeral of somebody who OD'd on Listerine or choked on Metamucil? Me, neither. Obviously, these warnings are working.)

The warning on the Oust air sanitizer contains this useful suggestion: "Before using product throughout your home, use in one room and wait 24 hours to ensure that no one has any physical reactions to the product."

If you find Granny lying face down in that room, you might want to hold off on sanitizing the air in the rest of the house.