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Hey, Don't Say They Didn't Warn You . . .
(Tom Nick Cocotos for The Washington Post)
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American magazines have swelled with prescription drug ads that include FDA-mandated warnings about possible side effects. These ads are delightfully two-faced. On the front, in big bold letters, are lyrical paeans to the drug's miraculous healing powers. On the back, in type the size of nits, are endless lists of "adverse events," the industry's euphemism for side effects.
Some of these side effects are obvious: Lunesta, a sleeping pill, can cause "drowsiness."
Some are ironic: Advair, an asthma medicine, can cause "severe asthma episodes."
Some are scary: Celebrex, an arthritis medicine, can cause heart attacks, strokes, kidney failure and asthma attacks, among other maladies.
And some are just plain weird: Toprol-XL, a hypertension medicine, can cause "mental confusion" and "depression progressing to catatonia." Lunesta can cause "strange behavior" and "unusual and/or disturbing thoughts." And Caduet, a drug for high blood pressure, can inspire "abnormal dreams."
Inevitably, the plague of warnings led to a plethora of parodies. Slurpee cups at 7-Eleven were stamped "Warning: Brain freeze may occur." Adventures Unlimited, a catalogue of books on Atlantis, UFOs and conspiracy theories, comes with this label: "Warning! The contents of the Adventures Unlimited catalog can be hazardous to your belief system." An ad for an album by the band Future Pigeon says, "Warning: Contains high amounts of corrosive dub music. Capable of crippling speaker bins, sound systems and brain matter."
Intellectuals got into the act, too. The Journal of Irreproducible Results, a humor magazine for scientists, published a series of warning labels inspired by the laws of physics:
"Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity."
"Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically-Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Miles per Hour."
Go ahead, laugh. Maybe it will make you feel better. But the grim truth is this: The human body is a frail vessel, and the world is full of stuff that can cut, bruise, break, smash, crash, shatter, batter, mangle, maim, mutilate, poison, sicken and kill it. Sooner or later, one of them will get you.
Consider yourself warned.
