The Shtick Shift

2:40 a.m. Forever Plaid, a bunch of guys in loud plaid tuxedo jackets, announce they will pay tribute to Ed Sullivan by performing an entire Ed Sullivan show in 3 minutes 18 seconds.

Impossible? Not for these guys! They go to it, singing "Lady of Spain" while juggling balls and plates, throwing dog puppets through hula hoops and doing imitations of the Singing Nun and Alvin and the Chipmunks. It's a virtuoso performance and it makes you wonder: Can they do this 20-hour telethon in, say, 18 minutes 27 seconds?

2:55 a.m. Cut to the local feed with fundraisers taking calls at Gallaudet University. WDCW-TV (Channel 50) began the syndicated telethon show an hour late, but the local effort, aided by phone numbers on the screen, brought in more than $1 million in pledges for "Jerry's kids," as he likes to call children with muscular dystrophy. The Muscular Dystrophy Association fights more than 40 neuromuscular diseases, including myasthenia gravis and amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or Lou Gehrig's disease.

4 a.m. The tote board total is $13,225,103. But where is Jerry? He hasn't been seen for over an hour. Is he napping? Is he okay?

4:10 a.m. A guy appears onstage dressed in a bright orange jump suit that holds 18 bicycle horns. Squeezing the horns with his hands, his knees, his elbows and his head, Orange Man plays "Frere Jacques," "Old McDonald Had a Farm," "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and Vivaldi's "Four Seasons." Now, that's entertainment!

4:47 a.m. Four middle-aged women from a show called "Menopause: The Musical" perform a song about night sweats to the tune of the Bee Gees' "Night Fever."

5:15 a.m. Clad in an amazing purple jacket, Barry Manilow sings "I write the songs that make the whole world sing!" while people in the audience wave green glowing lights. For one brief shining moment, we see Jerry waving a green light. He smiles enigmatically but does not speak. What's going on? Speak, Jerry, speak!

5:17 a.m. Comedian Bob Zany, who seems to have replaced Jerry as our host, mentions "Menopause: The Musical" and announces that he is writing a show called "Enlarged Prostate: The Musical."

5:50 a.m. The tote board is up to $16,316,166.

7:12 a.m. On the screen is a photo of a Vegas street sign: Jerry Lewis Way. Emcee Tom Bergeron notes that the street intersects with Dean Martin Boulevard. True telethon fans know the cosmic significance of this information. Jerry and Dean were, of course, the wildly popular '50s comedy duo, but they had a falling out and didn't speak for 20 years -- until Frank Sinatra brought Martin to the 1976 telethon and the two men buried the hatchet.

But where is Jerry now? This is his show. Has it been hijacked? Free Jerry! Free Jerry!

7:55 a.m. Jerry appears! He's in his tux, but his bow tie is gone. Quickly, he introduces Jack Jones. Once again, Jones sings/talks that song to his daughter. Once again, Nicole is in the audience, biting her lip to keep from crying. Is this a rerun? A flashback? A hallucination? Or have we just been awake too long?