Wednesday, September 6, 2006

Dear Miss Manners:

A woman I thought was my friend lost her husband about two months ago. They had tickets to an event I was dying to see, but we just didn't have the connections she did, I guess.

Then after Tony died I figured she wouldn't be going. I called her and told her I knew it wouldn't be the same going by herself so, rather than waste the tickets, my George has a tuxedo. She seemed to appreciate my offer and said, "And you are volunteering George?"

I went to a lot of trouble to get ready. I had my hair, nails and everything done. George rented a tux. When we went by her place to pick up the tickets, there she was in an evening dress. She thought I was going to let her date my husband!

Instead of saying she was sorry for the mix-up, she said that since she was going to be putting the extra ticket at the box office in case somebody needed it, she'd better leave. Then she put us out the door.

George says the polite thing would have been to let him just escort her. HA! I know how widows are. Inasmuch as she didn't have the good grace to let us use the tickets after we went to so much trouble, don't you think she owes us for all the preparations we made? I was so disappointed that I didn't get to attend this event.

Somebody here should be saying, "And I thought she was my friend!" Miss Manners is only surprised to hear that it is you.

Ah, but you say that you know how widows are. They are reclusive, so that you can safely assume that they want to be left out of things, and so befuddled that it should be easy to pluck what you want from them. At the same time, they are so predatory that husbands cannot be trusted in their company.

Even words do not deter you. Any sensible person would interpret what you said as a kind offer to have your husband escort your friend to the event and your answer to her question as a confirmation. But then you also stated that your husband owns evening clothes when he does not.

Now your idea is to dun the lady for money to assuage your suffering. Miss Manners would not advise this. Not all widows are helpless.

Dear Miss Manners:

My daughter will be meeting the secretary of defense and possibly the president of the United States in September. She will be with her fiance, who is receiving an ROTC Air Force honor. How should she address each if introduced to them?

"Mr. Secretary" and "Mr. President" respectively. Aren't you proud to live in a country where even the highest officials receive the same courtesy titles as ordinary citizens?

Dear Miss Manners:

I am a 25-year-old in my final year of a bachelor of arts, majoring in film and media studies and anthropology. Having left a corporate career within project management to pursue this line of study, I am often asked either "why?" or of "the practical value" of my courses outside of an academic setting.

Although I always give a sincere response, explaining that documentary filmmaking is what I see as my true calling, the frequently snide and judging manner in which the question is asked (usually by former business associates) often makes me feel disempowered.

As I wouldn't dream of returning such perpetual cruelty by rolling my eyes and walking off, do you have any advice for how to politely respond in such situations?

Miss Manners recommends your breaking into a wide smile, as if the question reminded you of something very pleasant, and saying simply, "We shall see."

This actually means nothing more than that you don't yet know what your education will lead to in the way of a career. But if you say it happily enough, and refuse to elaborate beyond repeating "We shall see," they will be left wondering what is in the works that pleases you so. The brighter ones will come to the uneasy realization that perhaps they should stop sneering now in case they will want to drop your name in the future.

2006Judith Martin