ASK AMY

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Dear Amy:

I am wondering how to handle an uncomfortable situation.

I live in a smaller town, where most people are aware of an affair that took place over the summer. The families involved were all good friends before this happened.

The wife of the man who had the affair sent an e-mail to her friends when she found out, and word spread like wildfire.

The woman who had the affair is my child's classmate's mother, and we will see each other at the many school events.

This was a hot topic this summer, and all involved are aware that most people in town know the story and the sordid details.

Do we play dumb, ask how their summer was and make small talk like nothing has happened?

Schooled in Scandal

From the mail I receive about the goings-on in some communities, I'm starting to think that "Desperate Housewives" is a documentary.

I vote for playing dumb. However, I think of it more as being polite and discreet than "playing dumb." Perhaps you could be the first person in your community to choose not to trade in this sordid tale.

It's not so hard to be discreet. You start by saying, "I can't believe how tall Amanda is getting!" -- and you take it from there. Topics include your children's teachers, their sports schedules, who should bring the brownies to the next soccer game, world events and that old standby -- what a lovely autumn we're having.

Dear Amy:

There is a situation involving my 12-year-old son and his friends that I am not good at handling.

Often they arrange to come to my house and then head to the deli or pizza place for lunch. They enjoy this activity, as it makes them feel a little independent.

These children know beforehand that this is the plan. However, they arrive with no money, or with only a dollar or two. My son is then left to pay for their food, often after they have ordered it.

I have asked my son to tell his friends before they arrive to be sure they bring money, but he feels uncomfortable doing so.

I have even mentioned to one mother that they are planning to go up to the shopping center for lunch, but the child arrives with empty pockets. I don't know why the parents don't make sure their children have enough money to cover their own expenses when they eat out by themselves.

I usually reimburse my son for the extra expense, as he doesn't get much allowance, but this annoys me and puts a dent in my budget. How would you handle this?

Debbie

Most 12-year-old boys aren't necessarily adept at planning their lives and finances. These boys might not get allowances, perhaps they don't think ahead far enough to ask their parents for money -- or maybe they're taking a free ride on the gravy train. Their parents might mistakenly think that you are treating these boys to lunch -- or be completely unaware that they are going out while they are at your home.

If you want for these boys to pay their own way, you should contact their parents and tell them that the boys have developed a tradition of taking themselves out for lunch. Simply ask the parents if this is okay and, if so, ask them to send along some lunch money. (You say that you mentioned this to one parent, but you don't indicate that you asked the parent to chip in for lunch.)

If parents neglect to send money with the boys, then you should either treat them or prepare lunch for them at home and let them go to the deli for a less expensive soda afterward.

Dear Amy:

We received a gift for our anniversary. Unfortunately, we have no idea whom the gift is from -- there was no card, and the gift wasn't addressed in any way.

We have a short list of possible gift givers, but we now have the job of trying to identify the right person. We have already questioned several guests about whom it might be from or if they saw someone with the particular item.

How do we go about questioning the short list of guests to find the gift giver without possibly embarrassing the others that did not give a gift?

Gifted

You shouldn't consider this to be embarrassing, and if you handle it in a straightforward and friendly way, it won't be.

Just call around to the people on your list, thank them for helping to celebrate your anniversary and then tell them that you have a mystery on your hands.

You can describe the package and the wrapping (without necessarily divulging what was in it) and ask if they have any idea who might have left this mystery gift with you.

Write to Amy Dickinson ataskamy@tribune.comor Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.

2006by the Chicago Tribune Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc.