They All Approve This Message

Not Too Red and Not Too Blue, a Perfectly Bland Sound Bite Stew. Serves 300 Million.

Tired of political commercials?

So are we. In fact, we're even more tired than you are, because we just pored over the transcripts of 122 TV and radio ads for this year's crop of candidates for senator and governor from all across America. We were looking for trends and themes and insights into the state of American democracy. Unfortunately, by the time we finished, our brains were far too frazzled for rational thought.

But we did learn some things: We learned that America is in crisis. We learned that Americans want change. We learned that Americans value values, particularly Ohio values, Colorado values and Nebraska values. We learned that almost every pol has new ideas but that almost none of them reveals what those ideas are. And we learned that the guy who paid for the ad is a man of vision and values but his opponent is a gutless, crooked hack. And vice versa.

Now, after enduring this hideous ordeal, we have taken pieces of these 122 ads and used them to create the ultimate political commercial for the ideal candidate.

Every phrase, indeed every word, comes from a real political commercial aired this year. Here goes:

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ANNOUNCER: It's the big squeeze. Taxes go up every year. Gas prices through the roof. The cost of living is skyrocketing. The legislature wastes more and more. Every week brings new scandals. People are leaving our state. Criminals are coming across the border, victimizing American citizens.

Are you tired of politics as usual? Do you ever feel like no one's representing your interests? Isn't it time for a fresh start?

CANDIDATE: We need to make a change. We need real change. It's time to change the way things are done in Washington. If you want a change, I'm your guy.

ANNOUNCER: Grandson of a farmer. Son of a police officer. Raised by a single mother. Born in a rural small town. His values were shaped in rural Arkansas, a half-mile down a dirt road. A paper route earned a new bike.

He worked his way up from poverty to Harvard Law. He volunteered and saw combat in Vietnam. He built an investment company from the ground up. With his wife, Debby, he founded Kids Reading Network in honor of his mother.

He was elected mayor. Cut taxes. Created jobs. Balanced the budget. Cut waste, fraud and abuse. Abolished 71 obsolete boards, commissions and task forces. Turned the city around.