They All Approve This Message
Not Too Red and Not Too Blue, a Perfectly Bland Sound Bite Stew. Serves 300 Million.

By Peter Carlson
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, September 24, 2006

Tired of political commercials?

So are we. In fact, we're even more tired than you are, because we just pored over the transcripts of 122 TV and radio ads for this year's crop of candidates for senator and governor from all across America. We were looking for trends and themes and insights into the state of American democracy. Unfortunately, by the time we finished, our brains were far too frazzled for rational thought.

But we did learn some things: We learned that America is in crisis. We learned that Americans want change. We learned that Americans value values, particularly Ohio values, Colorado values and Nebraska values. We learned that almost every pol has new ideas but that almost none of them reveals what those ideas are. And we learned that the guy who paid for the ad is a man of vision and values but his opponent is a gutless, crooked hack. And vice versa.

Now, after enduring this hideous ordeal, we have taken pieces of these 122 ads and used them to create the ultimate political commercial for the ideal candidate.

Every phrase, indeed every word, comes from a real political commercial aired this year. Here goes:

* * *

ANNOUNCER: It's the big squeeze. Taxes go up every year. Gas prices through the roof. The cost of living is skyrocketing. The legislature wastes more and more. Every week brings new scandals. People are leaving our state. Criminals are coming across the border, victimizing American citizens.

Are you tired of politics as usual? Do you ever feel like no one's representing your interests? Isn't it time for a fresh start?

CANDIDATE: We need to make a change. We need real change. It's time to change the way things are done in Washington. If you want a change, I'm your guy.

ANNOUNCER: Grandson of a farmer. Son of a police officer. Raised by a single mother. Born in a rural small town. His values were shaped in rural Arkansas, a half-mile down a dirt road. A paper route earned a new bike.

He worked his way up from poverty to Harvard Law. He volunteered and saw combat in Vietnam. He built an investment company from the ground up. With his wife, Debby, he founded Kids Reading Network in honor of his mother.

He was elected mayor. Cut taxes. Created jobs. Balanced the budget. Cut waste, fraud and abuse. Abolished 71 obsolete boards, commissions and task forces. Turned the city around.

CANDIDATE: I want to set the record straight. I'm opposed to illegal immigration and methamphetamine. I believe in the wonders of science. I believe you deserve better. I believe our state needs government that works -- servant leadership. Our children deserve a senator who wants the job. That's why I'm running for governor.

ANNOUNCER: The choice? A successful businessman and mayor -- or an ineffective congressman.

She's a liberal, supports gun control, abortion on demand, mandatory gay rights. He voted against strengthening criminal laws against terrorist attacks. He voted against the Patriot Act, which gives law enforcement the tools to fight terrorism. Weakening America's security. Out of touch with Ohio values.

CANDIDATE: The choice in this race is simple. If you're satisfied with the way things are, I'm not your candidate. I believe change starts with ideas. You deserve good ideas. But more importantly, you deserve a governor who gets the job done for you.

I'll stand up for the little guy. It's that simple. It's that fair. It's that important. And I'm not just talking about these issues. I've done something about them.

ANNOUNCER: Protecting the California dream. Changing Maryland for the better. Ready to lead Massachusetts. Turn around Ohio. Make Wisconsin great again.

Colorado values. Nebraska values. Nebraska common sense. Real Montana.

CANDIDATE: This grandma wants to shake Austin up. Bring some passion back to Albany. We need a senator who will stand up for New Jersey. I'll fight for Florida. I'll fight for Iowa's future. That's the Colorado promise -- and mine, too.

ANNOUNCER: Courageous, determined, a fighter for our issues. Challenging politics as usual with honest ideas to lift our state. Hard work. Results.

CANDIDATE: I approved this message about conservative change. I approved this message because working together is the only way to solve our problems. I approved this message because I won't play politics with our security. I approved this message because we've got a great future here in Michigan and I'm fighting for it every day.

ANNOUNCER: It's time to have a governor on our side.

CANDIDATE: I approved this message because it's time for a new politics of unity and purpose. I approved this message because when good ideas cross party lines, we should, too. I approved this message because we really need to know how our representatives vote.

ANNOUNCER: Smart solutions that work.

CANDIDATE: I sponsored this ad because we need someone on our side. I sponsored this ad because we need to protect our borders. I sponsored this ad because you can't change Washington unless you change the people you send there.

ANNOUNCER: Together we can.

CANDIDATE: Why the hell not?