Tiny Tests for Couple Considering Parenthood

Q. I've never had children of my own, but now I'm 40 and I'm having second thoughts. My husband and I have a stable marriage and a good home life , but we wonder if we're not missing out on something.

How can we decide whether to have children? Can you recommend any books on this topic?

Because of my age, adoption is definitely something we should also consider if we choose to have children, so we need books on this subject, too.

A.Forget about books for the moment and listen to your heart.

How do you feel when you see a baby nestled in her mother's arms? Do your own arms start feeling empty? When you go out to lunch, do you find yourself listening to that cute little toddler prattling away at the next table instead of paying attention to your lunch date? And do you and your husband ever feel sad or left out when parents talk about their children's soccer games, recitals and sleepovers?

If you often answer "yes," "yes" and "yes," become a volunteer at an orphanage -- many big cities still have them -- or at the children's ward of a hospital. Baby-sit for your friends, for a night or preferably for a weekend, and see how you like being around small people. If you do, then you should have children, not for their sakes as much as for yours. Having a child is like adding another color to the rainbow. You won't know what you've been missing until you're not missing it anymore.

You'll find, however , that a child will bring tension as well as joy into your home, for life with children is never perfect, and some days, it isn't even pretty good. Every time you bring another living body into your home -- even a goldfish -- you add some stress, and children add the greatest stress of all. Their illnesses are scarier than yours, whether they're serious or not; their small sadnesses can worry you more than your mortgage; and in the early years, their demands for attention can be relentless, leaving little time or energy to do your chores.

If you and your husband are willing to exchange a clean house, a tidy garden and folded laundry for a little chaos and a lot of happiness, you're ready to be parents.

A good day's work may make you happy; travel may broaden your interests; money, glory or power may make you feel important; but nothing will make you feel more satisfied, more interested or more important than holding hands with your own child.

If you don't get pregnant, then either go to a fertility doctor for treatments or to an information meeting at an adoption agency to see if adoption feels right for you.

If it does, you must decide whether to adopt through an agency or privately. If you go with an agency, look both locally and on the Web, because the Internet gives you more choices. The venerable Children's Home Society & Family Services in Minnesota is a particularly good one because it works closely with agencies across the country and worldwide and places more than 700 children a year. Expect to pay $16,000 to $23,000 (or more if there is overseas travel). The price variation primarily depends on the child's birthplace. Some countries charge more than others, and some U.S. states let adoptive parents pay for the birth mother's medical costs and living expenses during pregnancy and some don't allow it. Many of the costs will be repaid if she has insurance or other benefits, and all adoptive parents get a one-time tax credit of $10,000 from the Internal Revenue Service.

Once you apply, a social worker will do a home study, taking your financial and medical histories and visiting your home to make sure a child would be happy, comfortable and safe with you. This is required, whether you adopt here or overseas and whether you adopt privately or use an agency.

If you adopt privately, you'll almost surely need a lawyer to arrange it and handle the paperwork, at a cost of $10,000 to $20,000, according to the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. For these names, visit http://www.adoptionattorneys.org .

As for the good books you want, try "The Magic Years" by Selma H. Fraiberg (Scribner, $14), nearly 50 years old and still a treasure. For adoption literature, there are "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge (Delta, $14), "Being Adopted" by David M. Brodzinsky, Marshall D. Schechter and Robin Marantz Henig (Anchor, $14) and "Adoption: Your Step-by-Step Guide" by Mardie Caldwell (American Carriage House, $35), which will tell you how to get good adoption information from the Internet and much more.

Questions? Send them toadvice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.