He Hits the Five-Hole, And a Hole-in-One

By Tony Kornheiser
Thursday, October 5, 2006

Of the many extracurricular obligations I have these days, one of them is to contribute, with Wilbon, to a "PTI"-type dialogue in ESPN Magazine. (Yes, I know that ESPN refers to it as ESPN The Magazine, but that's like me putting up a sign on my front lawn that says, "Kornheiser The House.")

So I had to call in to the magazine, where an editor told me that this week's topic was a preview of the upcoming NBA season, which Wilbon seemed very excited about. I said: "The NBA? Today? I'm sorry, but I have absolutely no interest today, on an 80-degree day, in the NBA. I'm doing 'Monday Night Football' and the baseball playoffs have just started. Doesn't it seem like those things are a little more pressing than the NBA? The Finals aren't until next June ."

Of course, Wilbon loves the NBA and yodels about it on television. It will come as no surprise to you, I'm sure, that Wilbon told ESPN he believes the Wizards will be a breakout team. The reason that should come as no surprise to you is this is the third straight season he has said that. Some of us are confident that he will be right eventually.

I'm sorry, it's just not basketball season yet.

It's hockey season!

And how do we know it's hockey season? Because the Caps are playing golf. According to their Web site, superstud Alex Ovechkin got a hole-in-one at some charity tournament in Springfield, and he had never played the game before. Okay, he stayed on a par-3 all day and must have taken 100 shots and whiffed on a few of them, but he threw one in from 160 yards. (Which is one more than I ever threw in.) This is the most noteworthy golfing debut since Kim Jong Il's. He is perhaps the greatest duffer dictator in history. A couple of years ago, a story was released that said that in his first round of golf ever, Kim shot 11 holes-in-one. That's really showing off. If you can do that, there's no point in going out any more because nobody will play with you; you can't even get a $2 Nassau. And that same fate might await Ovechkin, who has no idea how frustrating the life of a 17-handicapper can be. Listen to how Mr. Smarty Pants was quoted on the team's Web site:

"This was my first time playing golf, I guess it's easy."

Easy? I'll tell you what's easy. Picking the Chicago Bulls and Phoenix Suns to play in the NBA Finals next June. Gosh, I love this game.

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