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What Makes Andy Dick Tick?

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Dick plows ahead: "But they said something." Meaning his fellow roasters. "I'm sure it had something to do with gay. That's what they always do. That's where they always go." Dick rolls his eyes and makes swishy hand gestures. "I'm not even gay! Last year, it was anal warts, which I don't have." Makes a face. "This year, it's AIDS and gay. Which I don't have and I'm not. No and No. Just because I've been with guys, and I'm bi, doesn't mean I'm gay."

Noted: Dick, who is now 40 years old, has three children, ages 9, 12 and 18, by two different mothers. His eldest, a son, lives with him now.

So you decided: I will lick Farrah Fawcett and Carrie Fisher (who licked him back).

"I'd been drinking red wine with dinner. That was good. That was smooth." Dick makes a yummy tummy sound. "I was drinking like a gentleman."

He had been off the wagon for several months, since finishing "Employee of the Month."

You were over-served.

"Exactly! You can say I was over-served. I was served my [manhood] on a silver platter. When people climb up your skirt like that and rattle your cage, I'm like the hairless rat in the cage; they're poking me with a stick, and it's going to make you want to drink. . . . I just kept drinking and drinking. I don't drink hard liquor. Vodka can push you over the edge. I'm yelling. Then I'm crying. Any hard liquor, I'm back in grade school. Wetting the bed."

There's more.

"I was half-crocked. They don't have to speculate. I was cohesive and coherent and lucid. I wasn't Courtney Love drunk. But I was definitely feeling good. I don't know if you saw all that [stuff] in Page Six. I actually wrote a rebuttal to her, I don't know if you want to use it or not."

Now Dick goes to a back bedroom and returns with a spiral notebook.

When he is gone, reporter admires a quite good watercolor of Dick painted by the goth-rocker Marilyn Manson, which shows the shirtless actor with pointy nipples, smoking a joint.

He flips the pages and finds the handwritten draft of the letter he has been working on for Mandy Stadtmiller. "You can use bits of it."


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