The Starting Lineup

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By By Dan Steinberg and Desmond Bieler

Monday, October 9, 2006

We don't have a lot of room, so let's just trot out our lineup.

Clinton Portis: His newest dress-up character mimics Napoleon Dynamite. Suitably inspired, Mark Brunell decided to play like Uncle Rico.

Auburn and LSU: Highly regarded teams both go down to defeat. In fairness, though, those Tigers didn't have the luxury of facing A-Rod.

Alex Rodriguez: Demoted to No. 8 spot in Yankees' order for final game of Tigers series. A-Rod later said he definitely got the message: He's twice as good as the No. 4 hitter.

Jim Balsillie: BlackBerry manufacturer agrees to buy Penguins. Now Balsillie faces his greatest challenge -- inventing a hand-held device that people will actually use to change the channel to NHL telecasts.

Alexander Semin: Capitals winger records first career hat trick. Following his third goal, the ice was, as usual, littered with a variety of inexpensive and non-descript Caps.

PETA: Organization congratulates NBA for switching to "cruelty-free" synthetic basketballs. PETA's next move is to get the Knicks to stop torturing their fans and fire Isiah Thomas.

Gilbert Arenas: Predicts his use of a "high-altitude" tent will be copied by other NBA players. In fact, Damon Stoudamire already has expressed interest in simulating the feeling of being really, really high.