'The End' of the Baudelaires

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Tomorrow will be a vile, violent and virulent day indeed as the final book in the Series of Unfortunate Events will be published. KidsPost asked readers to come up with their own cataclysmic conclusion for the tortured tome. Here are 13 sorry selections.

"Everything will turn out as you least expect it. The triplets are evil; VFD is an illusion; and Count Olaf disappears forever. The Baudelaires -- except for Sunny -- meet an end. Then again, there's always a chance of a happy ending."

-- Cassidy Burke, 10, Gaithersburg

"This is how I want the book to end. I want Count Olaf to die. I want the Baudelaires and the Quagmires to be reunited. I want all the people on the good side to FINALLY be somewhere safe."

-- Mary Fouse, 12, Great Falls

"The Baudelaire orphans are going to jump off the boat that they are on with Count Olaf; and Violet, Klaus and Sunny are going to swim to 667 Dark Avenue and find the real V.F.D. that tells them where their mother is. Count Olaf goes to jail. The End."

-- Sara Strei, 10, Rockville

"The ending should have Count Olaf die because the children were cooking for Count Olaf and his friends. Violet was cutting vegetables, and Count Olaf was sneaking up and scared Violet! Violet screamed, turned around and accidentally stabbed him in the chest. The children went to the orphanage and were adopted by nice parents, and they have two stepbrothers now."

-- Rachel Strauss, 9, Rockville

"On the boat, Violet broke a pair of glasses, tied one ring onto each end of a string, twisted one securely to the mast and threw the other onto a rock. The Baudelaires climbed down, pulled on the string and the ring came off the mast. The boat went farther in the ocean to Antarctica. There was a whirlpool that took the boat down, and Count Olaf went with it. The Baudelaires lived almost-happily ever after."

-- Juliana Rose Gruver, 7, Arlington

"The series will end with Mr. Snicket writing two endings to the book. One of the endings will be happy, and one of the endings will be sad. Mr. Snicket will say something like, 'If you like happy endings, read the next chapter, and if you like sad endings, read the chapter after the happy ending.' "

-- Henry Brandmark, 12, Vienna

Be warned, gentle reader, this is where opinions of overt optimism end. The rest of the selections are mercilessly morose, by which we mean depressing, dark and sometimes daft.

"Book thirteen will be unfortunate indeed.

The Baudelaires will still encounter Olaf's dastardly deeds.

Try as they might, the trio won't succeed.

To extinguish Olaf and crew's horrible greed.

So go fill your morose, miserable need.

Buy the book; you are in for a very unhappy read!"

-- Abby Parsons, 13, Fredericksburg

"Count Olaf will perish and a new, even worse villain will come into the series. I think that the villain will haunt the Baudelaire children and make their lives even more miserable than when they were in Count Olaf's care."

-- Paul Fritschner, 9, Springfield

"Count Olaf will either die or do his last dreadful deed. I also think one of their parents will be alive, but before Count Olaf dies he will murder them."

-- Corinne Vennitti, 10, Leesburg

"Count Olaf will kill Sunny and Klaus, leaving Violet sad and depressed. Olaf will fortunately be put in jail, but Violet will be too scared to go outside, fearing everything. She'll know that even though Olaf is in jail, he won in the end."

-- Marie G. Sterba, 10, Waldorf

"Lemony Snicket will surprise us and come out with two number-13 books. The one coming out in October is just a trick. It will just delve deeper into the plot and end with 'The end, but not forever.' And then another book will come out called "Thirteen (Again!). . . . In the real last book, the Baudelaire orphans will wake up and find themselves at Count Olaf's house again!"

-- Jessica Hoy, 12, Charlottesville

"In happier tales, one might expect that the Baudelaire orphans would find their parents, both still alive, and would no longer be orphans prone to such dreadful things as very fine doilies, parsley soda and gym class. But as these tales are not at all happy, nothing of the sort will happen."

-- David Ruth, 11, Baltimore

"Olaf and the orphans travel to a remote island and miraculously find the orphans' parents. The Count tricks them into letting him have their money in exchange for their children. But then he kills the parents anyway and escapes in a boat, leaving the murder weapons behind. Soon some fishermen arrive, see the dramatic scene and assume that the orphans killed their parents. The children are sent to jail and live miserably ever after."

-- Alexander Kopenhaver, 12, Arlington

Coming tomorrow:

KidsPost reviews "The End" by Lemony Snicket. That's right: We've read it, and you haven't!