By Rebecca R. Kahlenberg
Special to The Washington Post
Saturday, October 21, 2006

Phyllis and Ronnie Zweig loved the six-bedroom Bethesda house where they lived for 23 years and raised three children, now ages 25, 24 and 22.

"We thought we'd never move," Phyllis said.

But recently, with the kids out of college, the house became too much. "We were only using three rooms: the kitchen, family room and bedroom," Phyllis said. "Every year that passed I realized that the kids weren't going to come home and that I was just keeping this house up for grandchildren who may or may not come in 10 years."

Moreover, Ronnie, who loved to garden when the children were growing up, "would now rather play golf than work in the yard," Phyllis said.

In August, the Zweigs sold their house and moved to a Rockville townhouse with a tiny yard. "We're at a different stage," Phyllis said.

That stage, when the nest is empty because the youngest child has left for college or work, can be an emotional time for mothers and fathers. It also can be a time when people make big changes in their living styles.

Some, such as the Zweigs, downsize. Others, such as Ann and Chuck Cochran of Cabin John, upgrade.

Just before the youngest of four children in their blended family graduated from high school, the Cochrans decided they wanted a larger kitchen. But because of strict zoning laws, they chose to move to a larger house rather than renovate.

Alternatively, many decide to stay in the same house where they lived with their children and remodel or redecorate the rooms where kids slept or played into more adult-friendly spaces. Bethesda resident Barbara Omholt is planning to turn the bedroom of her son Tommy, 25, into "an all-purpose room" where she can sew, watch TV and "have a place to escape," now that he has moved out. Omholt will bid goodbye to Tommy's sports posters and blue paint, and replace those with "a vibrant color like rose" on the walls.

For some empty nesters, the transition to a new house or decor is easy. "They are glad to have their own space," said Natalie Caine, founder of Empty Nest Support Services, a California company that offers a range of services. "They will love their children forever but had a tough last year with them home and are saying, 'Thank God they're gone.' "

But others grieve as they move from the home where they raised their children or as they renovate the spaces where their children frolicked. "Parents are closing a chapter on the life they had and starting a new one," said Lauren Shaffer, co-author of "133 Ways to Avoid Going Cuckoo When the Kids Fly the Nest" (Three Rivers Press, 2001). "It's exciting but letting go can be difficult."

One question for many parents is when to change their living space. For Utah resident Valerie Banta, the answer was 11 years after the younger of her two children moved out. With the kids now 29 and 33 and living in different states, Banta has decided to turn her daughter's bedroom into a beige den with a computer, TV and aquarium.

For California resident Susan Swartz, the right time was immediately after the youngest of her three daughters, now in her early 30s, went to college. "I had this picture in my head of parents waving goodbye in the same place in the same driveway for each child and didn't want to be that image," said Swartz, a newspaper columnist for the Santa Rosa Press Democrat and author of "The Juicy Tomatoes Guide to Ripe Living after 50" (New Harbinger Publications, 2006). She and her husband sold their home and moved to Germany for two years, then returned and bought a different house.

Experts say that, ideally, empty nesters should wait about a year before doing any major remodeling. "Give yourself time to adjust to the quiet house and empty rooms," said Jeanine Herrin, founder of http://www.emptynestmoms.com/ , an online support group for mothers.

Moving away too quickly has its downside, too. Don't underestimate the emotional support and friendship that can be provided by neighbors you have known for many years, said author Shaffer. That support may be hard to duplicate in a new community.

And remember that college kids -- especially freshmen -- tend to spend much of their vacation time at home and like the familiar territory. "With children experiencing so many changes in their own lives, they need to feel that they are still welcome at home and have a sense of stability and belonging," said Mary Ann Froelich, author of "When You're Facing the Empty Nest: Avoiding Midlife Meltdown When Your Child Leaves Home" (Bethany House Publishers, 2005). "Home is the anchor."

Once you are ready to change your living space or move to a new place, consider the dreams you would like to fulfill, suggested Caine of Empty Nest Support Services. Have you always wanted to live by the water, at a ski resort, in a college town? Have you always wished you could open a bed and breakfast? Have you longed for an art studio in your house? Do you want a house that will be big enough, as the Cochrans' home is, for your children and future grandchildren to gather for holiday celebrations?

Also, weigh the type of neighborhood you would like. Do you want to live primarily around adults? Do you want a place teeming with kids who will come to your doorstep on Halloween?

"There are a whole range of community options for this new chapter in your life," Swartz said.

Factor in what you think your children's intentions might be, she suggested. Ask yourself, "What are the chances that the kids will make it on their own or are they likely to come back and live at home? Do we have a place where at least one child could move back and have a bedroom if they have to?"

When thinking about these issues and making choices about where and how to live, empty nesters need not give their kids a vote. "Parents spend an inordinate number of hours investing in kids' lives and that is how it should be, but I look at this as a time for parents to shift into decision-making that is parent-centered, not kid-centered," Shaffer said.

That doesn't mean the offspring will dislike the outcome. Consider the Zweigs, whose three children thought their parents would never move from Bethesda. "They are thrilled" about the new townhouse in Rockville, Phyllis said. "My son loves that he can walk just four blocks to the Metro and my daughters love waking up on a Sunday morning when they visit and walking a block and a half to Safeway to get brunch."