The Starting Lineup

In Saturday's first leg of a home-and-home playoff series against D.C. United, the New York Red Bulls managed two corner kicks, three shots on goal and not a single tally. Sounds like some of the lads could have used a bit more of their namesake beverage, although frankly, we can understand why they'd abstain. Still, in this most frantic portion of the sports calendar, we thought we'd recommend a few offerings from the burgeoning energy drink cooler.

Hype, Kirsten Dunst: Stars in title role of "Marie Antoinette." Abe Pollin offered a brief review: He would have liked the movie more, but there simply wasn't enough cake-eating.

Erektus, Christopher Harman: Welsh boxing champ convicted of being a peeping Tom. Carlos Beltran said Harman was a huge chump for getting caught looking.

Bawls, Carlos Beltran: Mets slugger, though, at least joined some illustrious company. Now, Ted Williams isn't the only baseball great who's best-remembered for being frozen.

Killer Buzz, Carlos Delgado: Says ending of Mets' season "is tough." But Mr. Met kept things in perspective, noting that at least the loss prevents anyone from getting a swelled head.

Jolt, The Tigers: Former laughingstocks are adopted as America's Team. Meanwhile, in England, Madonna announced that she'd like to adopt the Tigers, too.

No Fear, Ralph Friedgen: Newly conservative coach calls for just nine passes in Maryland's win over N.C. State. An unimpressed Mark Foley noted that he makes that many passes in a matter of minutes.

Rockstar, Sebastian Telfair: Involved in bizarre investigation involving a stolen $50,000 necklace. To which we can only say, at least the Celtics guard will never have to worry about losing any expensive rings.

Lightning Bolt, The Wizards: Unveil new unis consisting of black shorts and gold jerseys. Team USA member Antawn Jamison was especially pleased, pointing out how long he's waited to slip on some gold.

Lost, The Warriors: Golden State franchise sells naming rights to its arena, which will be dubbed the Oracle. People will travel from miles around to visit the Oracle and learn of their fate: They will wish they hadn't spent all that time and money to see such a lousy team.

Reload, Pat Riley: Tells of his summer safari, in which he killed a wildebeest while attempting to minimize its suffering. Riley even detailed the wildebeest's sudden disappearance to the rest of the herd, explaining that the strange-looking beast left to spend more time with its family.

Benched: The Sabres' ability to lose, Northwestern's 35-point lead, the Flyers' front office, Lou Piniella's Nats uniform.