Madonna Gives The Media What For

Madonna with children Lourdes, Rocco and newly adopted David Banda, a 13-month-old Malawian. (By Shavawn Rissman, Via Associated Press)

Poor Oprah, martyr to technology, did not get to air her interview with Madonna about her adoption of a Malawian baby boy until a full 24 hours after it had been taped -- and 24 hours after the rest of us were So Over It and the boy's father had recanted his position that he'd been duped by government officials and wanted his son back.

Oprah called it "a media story like we've never seen," it having momentarily slipped her mind that just five months ago the media had declared Tom Cruise to be completely insane after he came on her very show, stomped all over her couch and tried to arm-wrestle both her arms simultaneously. The media have suggested only that Madonna is a baby snatcher -- no comparison, really.

The pop star, while not all in black with a scarf over her head, was dressed very primly, her hair uncombed and dark at the roots to heighten the "I'm just a homebody mom" effect, though the eyeliner caterpillars that jumped out at us every time she looked down to check her notes/script kind of wrecked the effect.

On the show aired yesterday, Madonna appeared via satellite from London; Oprah interviewed her larger-than-life head on a screen.

"I want you to set the record straight because . . . it's gotten crazy here," said Oprah.

"I was just asking the audience whether this merits headline news with all the other real atrocities going on in the world and all of this attention being focused on you," Oprah continued. Grievously, she never revealed the studio audience's answer. "When did you realize that it's becoming this big of a deal?"

Madonna patiently explained that she does not read newspapers or watch television, so she did not realize the adoption of a motherless child from an orphanage in the tiny African country was controversial until she returned to England and "there was a million film crews in the airport and press camped outside my door." Apparently, her publicist, director husband Guy Ritchie and the rest of her entourage were not allowed to bring her up to date. Or they hadn't the nerve.

"So no, it didn't really hit me till I got back to England -- and it's pretty shocking," said the woman who once thumbed a ride wearing nothing but stilettos for a cocktail table photo book all about her fantasies, titled "Sex." But that was more than a decade ago, when she was Bad Madonna. This year, she's Madonna Madonna.

Madonna Madonna suffers quietly for the sake of others:

"For me, I understand that gossip and telling negative stories sells newspapers, but . . . I'm disappointed because, more than anything, it discourages other people from doing the same thing. For anybody who had the idea that they, too, would like to open their home and give life to a child living in an orphanage who might possibly not live past the age of 5, anybody who has that idea would be discouraged from doing it. . . . I feel like the media is doing a great disservice to all the orphans of Africa, period, not just Malawi, by turning it into such a negative thing."

Oprah persevered: "Local human rights groups have gone to court challenging the Malawian government's decision to allow you to adopt this 13-month-old baby boy. And they are saying that you used your wealth and celebrity to fast-track the adoption. . . ."

"Oh, if only my wealth and my position could have made things go faster!" wailed Madonna, though, in fairness, she stopped short of tearing her hair or pounding her chest. "I assure you, it doesn't matter who you are or how much money you have, nothing goes fast in Africa." .