Week 687: Whatever Were They Thinking?

This week we once again pay homage to (i.e., rip off shamelessly) the late and venerable New York Magazine Competition, which under the stewardship of Mary Ann Madden published more than 900 contests before she retired in 2000. John Schachter of Arlington recalls a frequently repeated NYMag contest from years back (one of the winning entries is in the cartoon). This week: Tell us (A) What someone might say in some situation, and (B) what that person was actually thinking when he said A.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives, courtesy of tireless Loser Dave Prevar of Annapolis, a cute little set called Grow-a-Boyfriend and Grow-a-Girlfriend. You soak the little rubbery doll in water, and in a couple of days, he or she will expand to three to four times his or her original size (um, no, it is a consistent expansion, not just certain zones). But eventually, according to the package, little Alice, let's call her, or Aloysius will return to thumb-size. The all-pink lovelies are scantily clad, but they are indeed clad.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the all-new lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 13. Put "Week 687" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 3. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Drew Bennett of Alexandria.

Report From Week 683

in which we asked you to string together words lifted, in the order in which they appear, from any scene or two consecutive scenes in "Hamlet." Several entrants reported having read the play for the first time just for this contest. Once again, The Style Invitational achieves its primary goal: to improve the cultural literacy of the populace. (Note: The name of one Loser appears below with dismaying frequency. While it might be nice to have a wider variety of reading matter between the parentheses, we'd rather provide you with the cleverest, funniest stuff that goes outside those parentheses: Every week, we run the best entries we found for that contest, period -- no matter whose names are on them.)

4. Act 4, Scene 7, and Act 5, Scene 1: "What a long speech! (Dull ass! Has this fellow no feeling?) The tongue of a politician is full of equivocation. (Every fool can tell!) How long will a man lie, ere we have his hide? (Alas, a thousand times!) (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

3. Act 1, Scene 5:

Mark: Lend the secrets of thy young flesh!

Youth: His shameful lust holds a seat!

Touching my sword. Indeed, upon my sword, indeed. Ah, ha, boy! Come hither, and lay your hands on. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

2. the winner of the Pimp My Cubicle kit:

Act 5, Scenes 1 and 2: My sweet lord. Him, my lord. My, my, my lord. A really wanton ho, you. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

And the Winner of the Inker

Act 2, Scenes 1 and 2: He's addicted to tennis and it hath made him mad. His service and return, a set down, were nothing but waste, play'd like an old man on his ass. Striking too wide, he has tears in his eyes and speech like a whore a-cursing! (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook)