TELL ME ABOUT IT ®

Hi Carolyn:

Maybe you can give some insight to a question about men. I am 24 and I have some guy friends who are very fun to hang out with. However, I often become "one of the guys," and I find the female in me hoping against hope that I'm not hearing any of this. When men refer to a woman as a "nice little appetizer," I just cringe that they would talk about a person this way.

I know part of my reaction is probably because I am never considered one of those "hot girls." This kinda [ticks] me off because I feel that I am attractive -- not a size 6 (to be honest, I'm a size 14), but I'm athletic and active, and I feel I shouldn't have to struggle and feel guilty for the way I am. I also find myself always being referred to as the "hot girl's friend." How is a girl supposed to have hope that there are guys out there who will want to take a second look at me? I just feel like, without giving up my own happiness to become something I'm not, I won't ever find a man who will like me on the outside as well as the inside. Any thoughts?

Last Place?

This is not a question about men. For one, "men" do not objectify -- or is it menufy? -- women; that's the work of insecure, overgrown little boys. And, it's not about those boys anyway, it's about you.

You on the inside, not the outside. Maybe your body does disqualify you, among these particular guy friends, as a "hot girl" -- but that's more of a painful blessing than it is a problem. (In fact, the risk of meeting their approval is a compelling argument against healthy foods, exercise and flossing.) The problem is that it's hard to like someone for who she is on the inside when she's not even sure that she likes herself.

These guys make you cringe. They render you invisible. They make you feel bad about yourself. And you remain friends with them, why? Because they're "fun"? Because "one of the guys" is a cool-chick role to hide behind? Because it beats getting no male attention at all?

Anyone who reads this and recognizes herself will feel humiliated, I know. But I also know it's a step up from the bottom, which is the debasement of remaining friends with people who treat you like dirt.

Yes, being a cool chick among people who make that distinction is mistreatment, because the implication is that your coolness makes you an exception among women. That is misogyny.

And being the woman who endorses -- with her jokes, with her silence, with her continued presence on the scene -- the derogation of her kind is betraying herself as unhappy, conflicted, self-loathing.

This is what kills your hope of a second look, not the size 14 jeans. And fixing it doesn't involve giving up your happiness or becoming someone you're not. On the contrary. It's about reclaiming who you are from those who abuse it for sport. And that is a beautiful thing.

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