A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS

Thesis: A Watched Pot Never Boils.

Methodology: Watch a Pot. Observe Results.

Abstract: The vessel selected was an ordinary kitchen saucepan, three-quart capacity, constructed of aluminum. Into it was poured 32 fluid ounces of tap water. The pot was then placed on the burner of a standard methane gas kitchen range, turned to "high." Visual inspection confirmed that the gas had ignited and the flame was directly beneath the vessel.

A Watcher was positioned on a chair in front of the range in such a manner as to have an unobstructed view of the pot.

To guarantee that the Watcher's view was continuous, two Attention Sustaining Devices (ASDs) were constructed of ordinary household materials. To wit, the center cardboard spool from a roll of Cottonelle(R) toilet paper was cut into two cylinders of approximately equal length and affixed via adhesive tape to a pair of spectacles in such a manner as to transform the spectacles into blinder-type goggles; thus arranged, as long as the Watcher did not turn his head, his view was limited to what was directly in front of him, viz., the pot. To ensure that the Watcher did not turn his head, a second ASD was constructed in the following manner: A standard metal yardstick, purchased at Hechinger Co., was extended at full length from the top of the panel at the rear of the stove to the top of the Watcher's head; its flat surface lay roughly parallel to the cooking surface of the stove. In the center of the yardstick was placed a small Clementine orange. This object was selected for its shape; an oblate spheroid, it is slightly flattened at the top and bottom, allowing for roll but militating against movement induced by incidental yaw or pitch. The yardstick was positioned in such a way that, at its proximal end, it balanced on the blunt protuberance formed by the coronal suture that separates the frontal and parietal bones of the skull. This introduced an element of positional instability sufficient to ensure that the Watcher would remain as motionless as possible.

The device was tested and found to be effective. Motions of the head substantial enough to bring the pot even momentarily out of focus proved sufficiently disruptive to dislodge the orange from its seating. With lesser head motions, the orange remained in place. The experiment was begun.

The Watcher quickly noted that focusing on one object to the exclusion of all else results in a narrowing of visual stimuli that, paradoxically, leads to a widening of the philosophical faculties. The Watcher began to contemplate literary antecedents to the situation at hand, such as "Ode on a Grecian Urn," in which the English poet John Keats (1795-1821) examines a painted clay pot, noting the serene pastoral scenes depicted on its surface, and reflects on the eternal nature of art and the fleeting quality of human love and happiness, finally arriving at one of the most widely quoted lines of literature: "Beauty is truth, truth beauty. That is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know." The callipygian poignancy of this insight led the Watcher to ponder:

"Ye?" Who is this guy, Tinkerbell?

The Watcher jolted himself to attention, hard and cruel, like a slap in the kisser from a dame with too many rings. Too many rings, like a half-dead sycamore.

The Watcher's glasses were fogging.

The orange was staying put.

The pot was not yet boiling.