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Week 689: Busted Play

(Bob Staake)

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Sunday, November 19, 2006

It's that time of year again, by which of course we mean the time for buying idiotic holiday presents for your junior loved ones. Really True Loser Andrew Hoenig of Rockville called the Empress's attention to a patent, publicized by Lawhaha.com and many other Web sites, for a " 'toy gas-fired missile' that is prepared for takeoff by the operator's placing 'the inlet tube with its valve open adjacent to his anal region from which a colonic gas is discharged.' " Who could possibly come up with a more objectionable or stupid toy than a working fart-powered toy rocket? And that's not a rhetorical question, but the answer is still obvious: You can, Loser. Right?

Winner receives not a fart-powered rocket, alas, but the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets an exceedingly tacky and super-lame Mistletoe Belt ("for men & woman"), donated by veteran loser Kevin Mellema, which contains genuine plastic mistletoe that can be positioned in whatever place you would like your loved one to kiss you under. It is no more than a conventional-looking men's belt with some little plastic greenery on it. We guarantee that, were you to win this priceless item, it will be delivered to you for Christmas Eve installation, unless you live in the far-off reaches of, say, Lilongwe, Malawi, or Valley City, N.D., or Falls Church, Va. Anyone who thinks it'll be clever to suggest a toy Mistletoe Belt is, sorry, not clever.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the all-new lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 27. Put "Week 689" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte. The Honorable Mentions name is by Roy Ashley of Washington.

Report From Week 686

(a.k.a. Week 685), in which we asked you to offer up some things to be thankful for. Some people supplied notes of thanks especially suited to the Thanksgiving table; others espoused more generally ridiculous/nasty/cynical sentiments. Most everyone expressed heartfelt thanks for the 22nd Amendment.

4 I'm thankful that Kim Jong Il doesn't have an evil twin. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

3 That someone found my grandmother attractive. (Tim Vanderlee, Austin)

(Julia Ewan - The Washington Post)
2 the winner of the the bobblehead of President Bush in his "Mission Accomplished" flight suit: That I'm tall enough that I can't smell my own feet. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

And the Winner of the Inker

We should all be thankful that bald eagles taste terrible. Their eggs, too. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)

We're Also Mildly Appreciative ...

That my daughter has not yet pierced her other eyeball. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

That here in the Washington area we have many wonderful cultural attractions, some of which I might get to one of these days if my relatives come to visit. (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook)

That dogs don't know everyone else hates you. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

For the sophistication of French cuisine, especially their fries. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)


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