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Week 689: Busted Play
Shoot Off Some Ideas for Toys

Sunday, November 19, 2006

It's that time of year again, by which of course we mean the time for buying idiotic holiday presents for your junior loved ones. Really True Loser Andrew Hoenig of Rockville called the Empress's attention to a patent, publicized by Lawhaha.com and many other Web sites, for a " 'toy gas-fired missile' that is prepared for takeoff by the operator's placing 'the inlet tube with its valve open adjacent to his anal region from which a colonic gas is discharged.' " Who could possibly come up with a more objectionable or stupid toy than a working fart-powered toy rocket? And that's not a rhetorical question, but the answer is still obvious: You can, Loser. Right?

Winner receives not a fart-powered rocket, alas, but the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets an exceedingly tacky and super-lame Mistletoe Belt ("for men & woman"), donated by veteran loser Kevin Mellema, which contains genuine plastic mistletoe that can be positioned in whatever place you would like your loved one to kiss you under. It is no more than a conventional-looking men's belt with some little plastic greenery on it. We guarantee that, were you to win this priceless item, it will be delivered to you for Christmas Eve installation, unless you live in the far-off reaches of, say, Lilongwe, Malawi, or Valley City, N.D., or Falls Church, Va. Anyone who thinks it'll be clever to suggest a toy Mistletoe Belt is, sorry, not clever.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the all-new lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 27. Put "Week 689" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte. The Honorable Mentions name is by Roy Ashley of Washington.

Report From Week 686

(a.k.a. Week 685), in which we asked you to offer up some things to be thankful for. Some people supplied notes of thanks especially suited to the Thanksgiving table; others espoused more generally ridiculous/nasty/cynical sentiments. Most everyone expressed heartfelt thanks for the 22nd Amendment.

4 I'm thankful that Kim Jong Il doesn't have an evil twin. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

3 That someone found my grandmother attractive. (Tim Vanderlee, Austin)

2 the winner of the the bobblehead of President Bush in his "Mission Accomplished" flight suit: That I'm tall enough that I can't smell my own feet. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

And the Winner of the Inker

We should all be thankful that bald eagles taste terrible. Their eggs, too. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)

We're Also Mildly Appreciative ...

That my daughter has not yet pierced her other eyeball. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

That here in the Washington area we have many wonderful cultural attractions, some of which I might get to one of these days if my relatives come to visit. (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook)

That dogs don't know everyone else hates you. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

For the sophistication of French cuisine, especially their fries. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

That I learned that x = 3 and y = 4, so now I'll be able to help my son with his algebra homework. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

That they don't allow remote controls at the movie theater. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

That O.J. likes to play golf so much -- otherwise he might still be looking for me. -- T.R. Killer, Brentwood, Calif. (Jeff Brechlin)

That zombies can be stopped by a sharp blow to the head. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

That it's bags of spinach that kill you and not bags of M&M's. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

That you have to admit you have a problem before going through all the other steps. Man, did that save me a lot of time! (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

I'm thankful yo mama so easy. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

That everyone realized Helen Keller was playing up her handicaps for effect. -- R.L., West Palm Beach, Fla. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

That GM doesn't make Hondas. (Rick Peterson, Bethesda)

That changing their name from Bullets to Wizards did so much to reduce gun violence in Washington. (Thad Humphries, Castleton, Va.)

That Tibet and Somalia probably still don't have nuclear weapons. (Jeannie Kunkel, Fairfax)

That no one on my kid's soccer team knows that I'm a doctor, because when the coach's kid broke his leg and people were shouting for a doctor, I was making a run for high score in Tetris on my cellphone. (Jeff Brechlin)

That your pets can't testify against you. (Bob Dalton)

That old age doesn't last forever. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax)

I'm thankful that Uncle Billy finally croaked and I get a chance to sit at the big table. (Rich Carlson, Bowie)

I am thankful for this squash from our garden, which cost about $75 to grow. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

That NFL halftimes are only 15 minutes, so we don't have to waste lots of time sitting around the dinner table on Thanksgiving Day. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

That Steve Wynn is not a museum curator or an eye surgeon. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

That Mark Foley was thoughtful enough to put his feelings in writing. (David Kleinbard)

That it turns out Ben Cardin ALSO loves puppies -- whew!! (Ron Jackson, Chevy Chase)

That I don't understand Portuguese, because that's what the nasty voices in my head speak. (Bird Waring, New York)

That there were no wild emu in 1621 New England. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

That I don't yet know which aisle of the supermarket has the Depends. (Patrick Mattimore, San Francisco)

That my class president elections didn't use Diebold machines. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

I'm thankful for women who love short, cheap, egomaniacal guys. (David Kleinbard)

That it actually does get better than this. (Art Grinath)

And Last: I'm thankful that for one more week, I don't own that butt-ugly painting. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Next Week: Return of the Butt-Ugly Painting, or How Grate Thou Art

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