Get Outta the *%? Way!

Everything was fine until he glanced in his rear-view mirror and saw the driver behind him gesturing madly, and it wasn't the schoolyard gesture usually reserved for such situations. The driver was signaling to a Park Police officer parked on the median, making it clear that the Commuter had just performed an uncivilized, and more to the point, illegal act. (Since Rock Creek Parkway is on federal land, traffic enforcement falls to the U.S. Park Police.)

This trip across the double white line wound up costing him 50 bucks and, almost as bad, ruined any chance of getting a jump on the traffic home. Of course, it's a rare person who doesn't cheat at the traffic game every now and then. One of the more ingenious current scams involves drivers on the Dulles Toll Road. Faced with the ugly prospect of being stuck in traffic and then having to pay a toll for the privilege, some drivers quietly exit the toll road and slip onto the adjacent Dulles Access Road, a free road meant only for airport traffic. These pioneering renegades take the access road all the way to the airport, pass through the airport grounds, and then backtrack to their intended exits. It doesn't always save time, but at least you're always moving. Lately, Virginia police have begun cracking down on these so-called "backtrackers," writing about 500 tickets a month ($35 fine and three traffic points), up from about 200 a month last year. But that still represents less than 1 percent of the estimated number of drivers who backtrack.

Today, the Commuter plays the game cautiously. He passes about 10 cars before merging into the right lane, well before the double white line appears (but after a single white line does). As it turns out, traffic through the intersection moves quickly. We make it to Beach Drive in about five minutes, pick up speed around the zoo, jog eastward at Piney Branch Parkway, and don't hit our first red light until 13th Street. Pleased by our progress, he takes it easy the rest of the way, actually allowing the number of cars that cut him off to be greater than the number of cars he cuts off. We turn onto New Hampshire Avenue and arrive at the front door of the day-care center just as a nearby church bell is pealing: 5:30 exactly.

"Made pretty good time," he says.

His son, whose name is Reeve, is waiting, looking as happy as the day is long, and seemingly oblivious to the nastiness Daddy goes through to pick him up on time. Or so I thought. When we get back to the Commuter's house, Reeve pulls out his toy cars and begins varooming them around on the floor. At one point, he lines up two cars face-to-face, and then smacks them together again and again, the bumpers clacking noisily against each other.

"Beep! Beep!" Reeve says, laughing. "Beep!"

HIGH ABOVE THE BEEPING, WALT STARLING is heading for home, another rush hour having released its steely grip on Washington. All told, today's traffic wasn't too bad. There was a big tie-up on New York Avenue, with construction blocking one lane and a car fire blocking another. There were a few fender-benders on the Beltway, but nothing serious. Springfield was a mess, but what else is new?

"Every day it's something different," Starling says. "You never know what's going to happen until you get up in the air."

Like the weather, everyone talks about traffic, but no one seems to do anything about it. Not that people aren't trying. With undeveloped land scarce and highway construction budgets tight, local jurisdictions have turned to squeezing the most out of the roads they have. Virginia now has 48 closed-circuit cameras perched above I-395, 495, and 66 to monitor road conditions, part of an ambitious high-tech traffic management system, and Maryland is installing a similar advanced system on the Beltway, I-95 and other major routes in the Washington area. With such setups, highway officials can see when and where a traffic-snarling incident occurs, summon appropriate help, and notify drivers on 100 variable message signs. Amid some grumbling, Virginia is extending the HOV lanes on I-95 and I-66, and is adding them to the Dulles Toll Road and eventually even to the Beltway, where a fifth lane would be added for high-occupancy vehicles. Police aircraft in Fairfax and Montgomery counties have been equipped with video cameras that help manage traffic, beaming pictures back to traffic control centers that in turn alert drivers through variable message signs. The new project is part of an experimental program launched by the Federal Highway Administration, and continues a recent trend in searching for technical solutions to traffic problems. In their more utopian moments, traffic experts imagine the day when millions of "smart cars" whiz along our nation's highways, equipped with on-board computers that automatically detect and avoid traffic jams. In the meantime, the world awaits the invention of "smart drivers."

Then there's the debate over a second Beltway, or a Beltway bypass, that has raged for decades. Plans for a Beltway bypass have stalled over whether the road should loop east of Washington, through eastern Maryland along Route 301, or west of the city through Northern Virginia -- or both. The argument is only partly about traffic; the choice of routes will also decide which jurisdictions receive the billions in development that's likely to spring up around such a road. Virginia officials worry that an eastern bypass would give BWI Airport a big advantage over Dulles; Marylanders fear the opposite effect with a western bypass. Personally, I hope a second Beltway is built, if for no other reason than it will create a new class of people with a "Between the Beltways Mentality," a race of clear-thinking individuals untainted by either Inside the Beltway parochialism or Outside the Beltway naivete.

Whatever happens to Washington traffic, Walt Starling will be flying far above it, an enviable position. Starling gently noses his plane down at the College Park Airport, more than three hours after he took off. Starling actually does his final traffic report of the afternoon on the ground, as he's taxiing toward the hangar.

"The rush hour is over! Traffic around the city has cleared up now. No late delays on the Capital Beltway, the interstates, or the Potomac or Anacostia River bridges. What a nice way to end a beautiful day! See you tomorrow morning with Dave. On W-Lite, I'm Walt Starling . . ."

And with that, Starling climbs out of his plane and begins walking down the runway toward his house, his afternoon commute nearly at an end.

Tom McNichol, whose last car was totaled on Florida Avenue, is a frequent contributor to the Magazine.